I certainly don't Lovett*

So, Andrew Lovett has walked free on the rape charges brought against him by a distressed yet brave woman who pressed her claims all the way through the court hearing, unlike many women who are, or claim to be, sexually assaulted, but who are unwilling or unable to face the prospect of a drawn-out trial and possibly having to deal with their attacker again.

Part of the reason he got off could be because of the sexist, leading, leering questions asked of the alleged victim by Lovett's barrister, David Grace QC, such as these ones at the committal hearing about the length of her skirt:
"Was it a skirt that went from the waist down to your thighs? ... Did it start at your waist or below your waist? ... Was there any flesh visible between the end of the singlet and the top of the skirt? ... What was the distance between the top of the skirt and the bottom of the skirt?"

Unbelievable, right?

Fortunately, the Law Institute of Victoria got involved, via their spokesman Rob Stary, who said:

"The fact that they might be wearing a miniskirt or low-cut clothing really is not, at one strict level, relevant but if through some process of flirtation or invitation, the person's inviting attention or sexual contact then I suppose it can be relevant."

Wait, what?!?!

Well, at least the general public has a reason for not understanding the law, as displayed by this response in the comments section of the above article by "Bloke" from "Toorak":

"he's been proven to be innocent, so that should be the end of the issue for him. the court was there to try him, not the media or the masses."

Ahh, not exactly.

The rilestar could not let this aggression stand, man. This is the tamer of my submissions to The Age for publication in the same comments section:

"Just because a jury could not find someone guilty beyond all reasonable doubt does not mean they are innocent.
And the questions asked by the barrister in this case are reprehensible. In our society, a woman should be allowed to wear whatever she likes without fear of unwanted or forced sexual encounters. Contrary to what Mr Stary believes, such questions are in NO WAY relevant to the question of whether a rape occurred. Consent is not given by wearing a mini-skirt. If those questions changed the result of the jury's decision, then I would argue that there has been a miscarriage of justice.
I am sorry, on behalf of the male gender, to all of the women who are reading this who have been raped. You shouldn't have to put up with this."

An earlier submission had recommended that David Grace QC should change his first name to "Dis" and then continued to refer to him by his changed name. I also made unflattering - but fair - comparisons between him and Sheikh Al-Hilali. When The Age didn't publish that one I wrote the above comment, but that wasn't published either (except here).

Unlike The Age, I am against censorship. Especially censorship of me.

I'm also against rape (and, yes, especially rape of me), and injustice. It may be that Lovett was innocent, but if the trial allowed cross-examination such as that above, the fact that he got off does not help his protestations at all.

At least he's not with the Saints, anymore. We've got enough problems of our own making without outsiders making more for us...

* Bad opportunity for a pun? His name is "Lovett", and I am a weak man.

Yellin' For Cadellin'!!!

I've got a whole bunch of half-drafted posts I need to finish about various issues of high import, such as the carbon tax and religion in schools and Star Wars, but I'm just going to continue ignoring them for a bit and get straight to the most important news ever: Cadel rode the time trial of his life last night, almost winning the stage (only coming second to Tony Martin by 7 seconds), but more importantly - taking almost 3 minutes on Andy Schleck and setting himself up to be the first Australian winner of the Tour de France!!!
Don't get me wrong - I like Andy (and Frank, for that matter - "the Schleck Girls" as my mate Dave calls them) - but he's young and will have plenty of opportunities to win the Tour in future - he can win all of them as far as I'm concerned. But Cadel's got this one. And that's enough for me (and I've been putting in the same time and effort staying up late and watching every stage of the Tour de France for the last five years as Cadel has riding it).
Much like a Saints premiership - I don't need to see years of dominance - I'll be very happy to see just one.
While on that topic, I'm pretty sure that there are only two possible sporting outcomes this year: 1. Cadel loses the Tour de France and the Saints also don't win a premiership, and 2. Cadel wins the Tour de France and the Saints do win the premiership. I can't think of any other possibilities.
So, with a looming Tour de France victory for Cadel tonight, it looks like the Saints will be staging a massive come-from-behind AFL victory in October this year.
That's just maths.
Go Cadel!

Last decade's comedy

All right. It appears last night didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

So we all need some laffs. Don't we? We do.

And here are some from last decade.

I still can't believe I never knew about this before this decade:



And there are plenty more where that came from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWCVhGzrAT0&feature=channel. Click that link and then just keep on clicking (did you know that simply clicking the first link makes you 23% more attractive? Facts.)

And for those who like their Gold auto-tuned (I know you've all seen it, I just want it on my permanent record):



Man I love that.

Finally (for now), no discussion/spurious-blog-entry about Last Year's Comedy would be complete without a summary of someone else's ideas about the Top 5 Funniest TV Comedies of 2010. This lists (in ascending order) Louie (CK, that is, not the "draw me a picture" guy), Modern Family, 30 Rock, Community and, of course, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report jointly taking out spurious top spot*: it's like a summary of my perfect night (just add beer).

Enjoy everything, y'all. Even the Saints supporters among you!

*Personally, I would probably put Community at Number 1, but how can I argue with the statement "The Rally was the comedy event of the year"? It had to have been. I was totally there and everything. Next time, Community, send me an invite (or is it just assumed in the name. Oh Em Gee! What have I done!)

Oh, when the Saints (Schoolgirl)...does anything...

I've been avoiding this topic (along with most other Saints-related news lately), but thought it high time I weighed in on the Affair Of The So-Called Saint Kilda Schoolgirl (disclosure: at this point in time the Saints are playing the Blues in a Do-or-Die match).

I've been keeping up with the media coverage as much as possible over the past year, though following her on Twitter has meant that I often got any "news" before the media reported it (if you're interested, her latest account appears to be @KimDuthieWorld, and it looks like she's found "God" - I know she's made some bad decisions but this has got to be her worst...)

One example of the media's Cirque d' Stupé in particular stood out (before the most recent Earth-shattering revelations), when she was interviewed by Kate and Hughesy (who seemed to genuinely have her best interests at heart, whilst trying to get to the bottom of the story) but she came across as a fair ditz, and then she ranted a little a bit about the unfair treatment she received afterwards (including in this blog entry). I support ranting in all its wonderful forms, but really you should understand what you're ranting about first...says Mr Pot in his conversation with Ms Kettle...

Anyhoo. Here's the rilestar's take on the whole sordid saga: I think she's messed up, a confessed liar, manipulative and a bit of a glory-hound, but I also KNOW that she's 17 years old. She's a kid. And although she's caused a fair bit of harm to my beloved football club, I feel sorry for her and hope she can get some help to turn her life around, so that the rest of it is not dominated by all of this sordidity. I know that I wouldn't want to be judged for the rest of my life on what I did as a 17-year old (although my wife can testify that I've improved - take my wife, please, take her (genuinely considered opinion)!!)

This clown was involved in the saga from the beginning, when the Schoolgirl-in-Question (SIQ, for short - sweet acronym) apparently shopped the now infamous nude pics around (#notdickileaks). His primary interest throughout everything should have been the welfare of his clients, but he should also have ensured that no-one was abusing this child. By then having "inappropriate dealings" with her after the matter was apparently all settled, Nixon epically failed on both counts.

I'm totally with my man Nicky Riewoldt on this, who was last week reported to have said that he would would feel "completely let down and would believe the handling of the photo incident had been jeopardised" if they had engaged in a relationship and "if he (Riewoldt) was in a room on his own with Nixon he would punch his lights out".

All in favour of locking Ricky Nixon in a room with Nick Riewoldt say "aye". Motion passed.

In the same report, Sam Gilbert said he would consider a relationship between the Nixon and SIQ to be a "gross breach of trust" (der), while fellow player Nick Dal Santo said he would feel Nixon's ability to look after his interests had been compromised (no shit!)

Just quickly, what the hell was Sam Gilbert thinking when he took nude photos of his teammates, kept them on his computer despite being respectfully asked to delete them, and then showed them to SIQ and obviously gave her access to them so that she could make them available to every person in Australia with an e-mail account and/or an iPhone? If he was thinking anything apart from "this is a terrible idea", he was super-mistaken.

Anyhoo, now that Nixon has been dropped, and the SIQ has found God (Jesus Christ!), I truly hope that, as Ross Lyon intimated last week, the Saints will draw on this to finally turn their season around.

Oh yeah, and that AFL footballers will treat women with respect.

Saints to beat the Blues. C'arn Saints!

I called it! (the sequel)

Moving on to other sports that don't crush my soul ... as much (although I've got very limited success in picking winners here, too): Cycling.

First: Congrats to the God of Thunder. Was hoping for an Australian win, of course, but in a bunch sprint, all i can say is: WHERE WAS ROBBIE MCEWEN!?!?!?!
Secondly, and just as I suspected: Alberto Cheatador has been caught out: Alberto Contador tests positive to banned substance. I don’t care that he claims he’s innocent, or that the amount of steroids found in his system can only be measured in picograms, or that this is the first time I’ve ever heard the words “picogram” or “clenbuterol”.
What I DO care about is that the story also stated:

“Contador was part of the Astana-Würth team that was forced to withdraw from the 2006 Tour de France following doping allegations.
Contador was among five riders named in a doping investigation by Spanish authorities but he maintained his innocence during the scandal.”

Take that!
I choose not to quote the following paragraph, which stated “He never failed a drug test nor was he ever punished by cycling authorities.”
Because that paragraph does not fit my narrative (see, for example, here and here).
Go Saints/Andy Schleck.

PS With the Road Racing World Championships being in Melbourne for possibly the first and only time, I was very much looking forward to seeing these legends live in the lycra'd flesh. But, as usual at this time of year, I'm travelling for work, and had to fly to Brisvegas that day! And also I drank a large quantity after our Grand Final loss and also didn't realise daylight savings had kicked in and therefore missed meeting up with my one-man posse at Fed Square. Moral? It's Andrew Demetriou's fault.
PPS Andy Schleck losing to Cheatador by 39 seconds after he suffered a mechanical problem on the Port de Bales was much like the Saints losing the Grand Final rematch. By that I obviously mean: it was Andrew Demetriou's fault.

It's all Saints to Me, The Sequel

Yep: the Saints finally won one... again...
Unfortunately... not quite the right Saints... again...
Getting warmer, though...

And another thing...

What's with Fucking Lionel Richie? Sure, Faith No More did a cool cover of a Commodores song, but give me, a die-hard Saints supporter, a fucking break.
I know a lot of other people had ideas about bands, but I'm astounded that the Weddoes were not even considered.
They reunited to play Grand Final Eve at the Palace, and Mick Thomas is a recognised DIE HARD SAINTS SUPPORTER.
"Under The Clocks", a classic Melbourne song, directly references the Saints getting done at again at the MCG.
Coincidence? No. We get done all the fucking time at the MCG. So probably not my first selection for a pre-Grand Final song at a Saints' Grand Final, but you can't doubt the Weddoes' commitment to Footy.
Plus, the crowd would love their shit. Their Fucking Great Shit: "Father's Day". "Monday's Experts" (another FOOTBALL SONG). "A Ticket in Tatts" (a Dane Swan tribute, if you need). "Scorn of the Women" (AFL Policy, nyah, nyah).
But they went with Lionel Fucking Richie.
So I got there late today.
Lessened my eventual pain (though I stayed to the end - if I was concerned about pain I obviously should have left earlier).
AFL: Next time the Weddoes do a Grand Final Eve gig, book them for the next day. Not only is it courteous, they'll rock your socks off your sock-covered balls.
PS: The opportunity's lost this time 'round, but next time Collingwood wins a Grand Final (let's hope it's not for a while), once the other team's fans have left the ground, it's a victimless crime if the MCG gets attacked by Muslim Vampires. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oh when the Saints, get ****** in the ****

I just sent the following missive to Mr Andrew Demetriou:

"Dear Mr Demetriou
Having now been intimately involved with the football goings-on of the last week and a day (as a Saints member), please let me give you my opinion: a drawn Grand Final should go into extra time to allow the result to be determined on the day.
I say this because, as a die-hard Saints supporter who has now been to three winless Grand Finals in the last 372 or so days, I would have MUCH preferred to have lost last week in extra time than to have gone through this hopeless charade in the past week, only to have an even worse loss today.
I don't care what happened back in 1977 (I lie, of course, because my first memory is from 1977, and it's of my Dad taking me to see Star Wars at the cinema (which was fancy back then), but not taking my younger brother because he might be scared of Chewbacca...but we're talking footy now...)
I know it's "tradition", but people had nothing to do in 1977 (plus it was North Melbourne and Collingwood: Two Dud Teams (no disrespect intended - my team just lost a Grand Final today, I'm sure you understand)).
But this week, weddings were cancelled or moved, the women's elite road cycling race was ignored, families were abandoned by Saints supporters who have little time as it is, and even fans were abandoned (by the AFL: BAM!!!)
All so that Collingwood supporters could feel the much the same as they would have if they had won last week (although there's a good argument they would have felt better last week, which would have been a great win in the circumstances) and ALSO so that Saints supporters could feel much, much worse, and waste a lot of time and money to boot.
In case you're interested, I am super-demoralised. I'm wishing Lenny had not kicked that point last week, so we would have instead lost by one point, and taken solace from our ability to come from behind and almost snatch victory, instead of being completely annihilated in a "replay" one week later. And I mean no disrespect to the players: today was just one day. But, man, Collingwood killed us today, and there was no need to put the players and the supporters through that - if the rules allowed for extra time in a Grand Final.
For the sake of future fans in future finals, please Mr AFL: Change the Rules.
If it helps, and for the record, my son (a Saints member all his life) plays soccer.
And they have extra time in soccer.
And as of today I'm a lot more interested in soccer myself (I'm not threatening. I'm just, y'know, saying. The obvious).
Thanks for reading (or having one of your minions read).
Rile(star)"

Still. GO SAINTS.

Ebony and Irony

Is it irony that my last post was about the Saints winning one, and my very next post is just before the Real Saints* hopefully win their own?
And while we're on the topic: Is it ironic to use the word "ironic" in a deliberately non-ironic situation?
I submit it would be if you were a Master Of Irony, trying to win the Irony Man Competition, and as your closing statement you deliberately say something you think is ironic that is Not In Fact Ironic.
THAT would be IRONIC!
Coincidentally (though not ironically), that would have to win any Irony Man Competition.
Take that, Ms Morissette! (Loved your work in Dogma, by the way. Call me.)
Anyhoo, I guess I should mention that I’m back on the Rantwagon, mah peeps.
I’ve had a lot of rant-juice building up in my rant duct, and it’s time to Let Loose.
I could say that the reason I haven't posted for a super-long time is because I was waiting for the Saints to get into another Grand Final, or because I'm waiting for Sirmarco to post first (but he's taking fricking forEVER), or even because I need to spend time with my family instead of ranting into the very thin air that is the little-read and over-populated blogosphere.
But let's just blame it on Muslim Vampires. Or Twitter.
Whatever the reason, I'm back.
GO SAINTS.
*No disrespect to the New Orleans Saints, of course, I just have a deep and abiding link to the Saints of St Kilda, both in bayside Melbourne AND in the outlying Scottish island.

It's All Saints to me!

The Saints finally win one!
Yes, I know they're not the mighty Saints from St Kilda, who...well...recently failed to win one.
But it counts.
Just as a win by the St George Dragons in Rugby League would count, or by the Saints of Southampton FC (y'know, if they were still in the Premier League...)
Or anyone on St Patrick’s Day.
They all count as a win for me.
Go (New Orleans) Saints!

It was the best of times...

...it was the blurst of times.
The best was most of the game until maybe half-way through the last quarter.
The blurst? Everything since.
Man, this sucks.
I know one thing: Geelong is no longer my second team. They are close to sixteenth (obviously allowing for any South Australian teams to remain below them).
Ahhhh. It feels good to really despise a team - we Saints don't have any real rivalries, but this is the beginning of a beautiful one.
Onya Maxy. Pity you couldn't play on the day, and you'll be missed.
And despite some people singing his praises and betting that he would win the Norm Smith at odds of 101 to 1, according to Rohan Connolly, Raph Clarke should have made way for Maxy on the day.
That said, we still love ya, boys. We're used to disappointment and loss and the crying and the losing of the sunglasses and licking of the strangers after the game.
Next year, yadeyadeyada.
PS Onya Cadel, too. That's what I'm talkin' about.

What a Raph-elation!

Some commentators out there think it's big and/or clever to bag people who are just having a go. Case in point: there was an article in The Age a few weeks ago about each footy team having a scapegoat for when things go wrong, and the poor recipient of this low type of behaviour in the St Kilda Football Club tends to be Raphael Clarke.
But I watched him last night in the Collingwood v Saints Qualifying Smashing and I must say that, much like his TMNT namesake, with the right encouragement he just gets better and better.
He was holding tackles, nearly kicked his first goal of the year, and pushed Magilla Ma-Rocca around to such an extent that I believe Raph now Owns him!
So good on ya, Raph - don't listen to the haters.
The Norm Smith is yours to lose.

Oh, when the Saints Go Over There!

My lack of things to rant about didn't last long. Just found out that Raph Clarke has been named in the Saints squad to play Geelong on Sunday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
I was actually trying to search the net to see if Saints champion Matt "Goose" Maguire had finally been named to play with the seniors this week. I was virtually convinced that, with Max-y Hudghton out, Maguire would finally get recalled.
Instead, I read the bone-chilling news that all-round lower-case goose Raph Clarke had instead been given the job.
The only thing that guy has ever done right was be Xavier Clarke's brother. It's all been downhill since then. Whilst watching a game recently with fellow Saint, Joey Jo Jo Junior (Shabadoo), we agreed that it's a miracle that St Kilda can win any game whilst Raph Clarke is out on the field. When he's out there, it's like adding another player to the opposition's team. We could be 20 goals up, but if Raph Clarke then steps foot on the grass, it could all go Benjamin Button.
And before you think I'm being harsh, check out this, and this and this. That's right - I can selectively link to stuff to show I'm just part of the herd (although his 6 clangers from 7 disposals against North in Round 11 earlier this year speaks for itself).
But even putting Raph Clarke to one side, we've gotta get the Goose back out there. The guy's a dead-set legend (plus he's been a gun at Sandringham lately), and if we don't he may go to a team that actually gives him a game.
I'm not sure if the Saints coaching staff read this blog, so I just might need to put something in writing to them. They love advice like that.
Note: If Raph Clarke gets out on the paddock and plays well on Sunday, this post was a gag. Y'know - "Just messin' with ya, kid, you're all right!"

A week in the life...

This week, Ben Cousins was drafted by Richmond, instead of St Kilda, as he should have been. I struggle to see how we can possibly meet our Drug Addict Cap without him.
But seriously - with the loss of Harves, Cousins would have been a nice consolation prize. Who can possibly step into Banger's shoes now?
And take drugs?
Anyhoo - kudos, Tiges, and good luck.
In other news, a few nice moments from this week’s papers.
First, this from Catherine Deveny, "Most people are idiots - even the ones who agree with me", in which she laments what she sees as a general lack of genuine opinion and ability to engage in serious discussion:

"A woman accosted me the other day and said "I love your writing because I agree with everything you say." That's not a good reason to like someone's writing. There's stuff that's well written that I don't agree with. And stuff that's badly written that I think is right on the money. "He's a crap writer because I don't agree with what he says." What? How threatened are you? "She's a great writer because I agree with everything she says." The fragile ego is fickle and easily stroked...
They say it's impolite to discuss sex, politics and religion. Stuff that. They're the only things worth talking about.
If someone asks for your opinion, chances are they don't want it. They want their opinion. In the same way if a woman asks "Does my bum look big in this?" The answer is always no."

And then there was this gold nugget from Michael Evans, reminiscing about 2008:

"It was the year brokers picked the market bottom with so little accuracy they needed the help of John Hopoate."

Hopoate jokes will never stale.
Finally, the annual Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal has been released, with studies including the negative effects of headbanging as a result of the empirical evidence provided by Beavis and Butthead and Wayne's World:

"The researchers suggest "possible interventions" such as substituting adult-oriented rock such as Michael Bolton, Celine Dion or Enya.
"For example, encouraging bands such as AC/DC to play songs like Moon River... (and) public awareness campaigns with influential and youth-focused musicians such as Cliff Richard."
Associate Professor McIntosh told The Age that the "science is good" because he applied methods used to study sport and motor vehicle accidents."

The fact that "each year serious news outlets fall for the straight-faced press releases put out by the journal in advance of publication, and write them up as fact" cheers me immensely.
Also, found some more blogs to Follow, especially that of The Local Taphouse in St Kilda, and that of Professor Pilsner and the Beer Blokes, who frequent said establishment.
Oh yeah, and in case I don't see ya, Merry Ex-Mas.