Tour de Awesome

My dear (pretend) friends!

I haven't ranted for a while, and I fear my blood pressure has been falling to dangerous lows, so it's time to get back on the RantWagon.

First: I've been staying up late and religiously watching the Tour de France lately (as have pretty much everyone I speak to, it seems), which has been, overall, totally sweet, especially with My Main Man Cadel wearing the yellow (until very recently) and Simon Gerrans winning Stage 15. However, as is usual at this time of year, some Drug Clowns have been caught clowning around with drugs, the main one being Riccardo Ricco (whom I translate into English as 'Richie Rich').

Rant No.1: Some people (such as John Fahey - see Rant No.2 below) are saying that this proves the Tour itself is the problem. Really? It's the best bike race in the world (as well as being an amazing and wonderful thing to watch). This means it's going to attract people who want to win it – and it appears that some of them will cheat to do so. Surely this is a reflection on the cheats, not the race, particularly if the race organisers are doing their best to expose and get rid of the drug cheats. In fact, many of the riders have been backing up this view lately, including Cadel, that the fact that the cheats are getting caught means the Tour itself should not be criticised: “What are they supposed to do? Do they have a free-for-all like some sports that don't have drug testing at all … are we going to be complimented for that?”

The tour organisers are on top of it, the cheats are being kicked out, and cheats' teams (and the sponsors in some cases) are withdrawing. Plus, Richie Rich himself was humiliatingly carted off by the gendarmes and faces a spell in jail. What more could people want? The Tour, and the majority of the cyclists, are doing their best...which is, incidentally, a lot better than other sports.

Or, as Greg Baum of The Age recently pointed out: “Think for a moment: what would be more disturbing at the Beijing Olympics, a rash of positive tests, or none?”

Rant No.2: World Anti Doping Authority chairman John Fahey (the former dancing premier of New South Wales) recently said “I firmly believe because I want to that Cadel Evans is, being Australian, completely straight and honest…I keep asking who is going to get ahead of him, because of something they are taking that is prohibited. That's my cynicism; I want him to win and I'd hate to see someone who is taking something pip him and get away with it.”

Now, apart from the fact that Fahey’s reasoning for believing that Cadel is clean is suspect*, in my humble and mostly uninformed opinion, Cadel’s already been pipped by a cheat – remember the 2007 Tour, anyone?

Rant No.3: If you win a race by cheating, you haven't really won. Even if you fool everyone else, YOU know that you cheated, which means that YOU know you haven't accomplished anything. So why do it? Money? Not if you're Richie Rich.

Rant No.4: The cheats don't seem to understand that, if you have an extraordinary day, you'll probably get tested. This is what got Floyd Landis when he won the stage that ended up (temporarily) winning him the race in 2006 – he got tested that day and was caught. Same with Ricco.

Therefore, I think I have worked out a conclusive theory for why these people cheat.

They are retarded.

Rant No.5: Stage 17 through the Alps, from Embrun to L'Alpe d'Huez. What the hell? Are they serious? Whoever designed that stage really dislikes cyclists.

That said - it's a must-watch. Get on it.

Finally, on a more positive note: someone give Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen a whole stack of medals. Their commentary is the mutha 'uckin' bomb.

* I know Cadel's clean not because he’s Australian but because he looks like absolute crap at the end of every stage. That's what I like to see in my cyclists.