It's Rant O'Clock

Yellin' For Cadellin'!!!

2011-07-24T15:24:00.004+10:00

I've got a whole bunch of half-drafted posts I need to finish about various issues of high import, such as the carbon tax and religion in schools and Star Wars, but I'm just going to continue ignoring them for a bit and get straight to the most important news ever: Cadel rode the time trial of his life last night, almost winning the stage (only coming second to Tony Martin by 7 seconds), but more importantly - taking almost 3 minutes on Andy Schleck and setting himself up to be the first Australian winner of the Tour de France!!!
Don't get me wrong - I like Andy (and Frank, for that matter - "the Schleck Girls" as my mate Dave calls them) - but he's young and will have plenty of opportunities to win the Tour in future - he can win all of them as far as I'm concerned. But Cadel's got this one. And that's enough for me (and I've been putting in the same time and effort staying up late and watching every stage of the Tour de France for the last five years as Cadel has riding it).
Much like a Saints premiership - I don't need to see years of dominance - I'll be very happy to see just one.
While on that topic, I'm pretty sure that there are only two possible sporting outcomes this year: 1. Cadel loses the Tour de France and the Saints also don't win a premiership, and 2. Cadel wins the Tour de France and the Saints do win the premiership. I can't think of any other possibilities.
So, with a looming Tour de France victory for Cadel tonight, it looks like the Saints will be staging a massive come-from-behind AFL victory in October this year.
That's just maths.
Go Cadel!

This Decade's Comedy

2011-05-16T16:57:00.005+10:00

Following up the last post, here is some more excruciating gold, this time thanks to my inside contact at Dave Hill Industries...

Now before you laugh, think about it. Did this kid really intend to sound like this on a video accessible world-wide? Or is this instead part of a liberal conspiracy to make religious nutjobs look bad?

Wait. Did I just blow your politically correct mind?

How about you just check out how the song originally sounded?

I assume...

Has that changed your mind about what is or is not a "nu" thang?

Whether or not it has, I think you've earned yourself some fresh new beats from the Bea Stie Boys:

Last decade's comedy

2011-05-10T15:52:00.000+10:00

All right. It appears last night didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

So we all need some laffs. Don't we? We do.

And here are some from last decade.

I still can't believe I never knew about this before this decade:

And there are plenty more where that came from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWCVhGzrAT0&feature=channel. Click that link and then just keep on clicking (did you know that simply clicking the first link makes you 23% more attractive? Facts.)

And for those who like their Gold auto-tuned (I know you've all seen it, I just want it on my permanent record):

Man I love that.

Finally (for now), no discussion/spurious-blog-entry about Last Year's Comedy would be complete without a summary of someone else's ideas about the Top 5 Funniest TV Comedies of 2010. This lists (in ascending order) Louie (CK, that is, not the "draw me a picture" guy), Modern Family, 30 Rock, Community and, of course, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report jointly taking out spurious top spot*: it's like a summary of my perfect night (just add beer).

Enjoy everything, y'all. Even the Saints supporters among you!

*Personally, I would probably put Community at Number 1, but how can I argue with the statement "The Rally was the comedy event of the year"? It had to have been. I was totally there and everything. Next time, Community, send me an invite (or is it just assumed in the name. Oh Em Gee! What have I done!)

Oh, when the Saints (Schoolgirl)...does anything...

2011-05-09T19:20:00.001+10:00

I've been avoiding this topic (along with most other Saints-related news lately), but thought it high time I weighed in on the Affair Of The So-Called Saint Kilda Schoolgirl (disclosure: at this point in time the Saints are playing the Blues in a Do-or-Die match).

I've been keeping up with the media coverage as much as possible over the past year, though following her on Twitter has meant that I often got any "news" before the media reported it (if you're interested, her latest account appears to be @KimDuthieWorld, and it looks like she's found "God" - I know she's made some bad decisions but this has got to be her worst...)

One example of the media's Cirque d' Stupé in particular stood out (before the most recent Earth-shattering revelations), when she was interviewed by Kate and Hughesy (who seemed to genuinely have her best interests at heart, whilst trying to get to the bottom of the story) but she came across as a fair ditz, and then she ranted a little a bit about the unfair treatment she received afterwards (including in this blog entry). I support ranting in all its wonderful forms, but really you should understand what you're ranting about first...says Mr Pot in his conversation with Ms Kettle...

Anyhoo. Here's the rilestar's take on the whole sordid saga: I think she's messed up, a confessed liar, manipulative and a bit of a glory-hound, but I also KNOW that she's 17 years old. She's a kid. And although she's caused a fair bit of harm to my beloved football club, I feel sorry for her and hope she can get some help to turn her life around, so that the rest of it is not dominated by all of this sordidity. I know that I wouldn't want to be judged for the rest of my life on what I did as a 17-year old (although my wife can testify that I've improved - take my wife, please, take her (genuinely considered opinion)!!)

This clown was involved in the saga from the beginning, when the Schoolgirl-in-Question (SIQ, for short - sweet acronym) apparently shopped the now infamous nude pics around (#notdickileaks). His primary interest throughout everything should have been the welfare of his clients, but he should also have ensured that no-one was abusing this child. By then having "inappropriate dealings" with her after the matter was apparently all settled, Nixon epically failed on both counts.

I'm totally with my man Nicky Riewoldt on this, who was last week reported to have said that he would would feel "completely let down and would believe the handling of the photo incident had been jeopardised" if they had engaged in a relationship and "if he (Riewoldt) was in a room on his own with Nixon he would punch his lights out".

All in favour of locking Ricky Nixon in a room with Nick Riewoldt say "aye". Motion passed.

In the same report, Sam Gilbert said he would consider a relationship between the Nixon and SIQ to be a "gross breach of trust" (der), while fellow player Nick Dal Santo said he would feel Nixon's ability to look after his interests had been compromised (no shit!)

Just quickly, what the hell was Sam Gilbert thinking when he took nude photos of his teammates, kept them on his computer despite being respectfully asked to delete them, and then showed them to SIQ and obviously gave her access to them so that she could make them available to every person in Australia with an e-mail account and/or an iPhone? If he was thinking anything apart from "this is a terrible idea", he was super-mistaken.

Anyhoo, now that Nixon has been dropped, and the SIQ has found God (Jesus Christ!), I truly hope that, as Ross Lyon intimated last week, the Saints will draw on this to finally turn their season around.

Oh yeah, and that AFL footballers will treat women with respect.

Saints to beat the Blues. C'arn Saints!

Gleesht

2011-04-05T17:39:00.004+10:00

I was very pleased to read that David Grohl can't stand Glee.

I tried, really tried, to like this show, by watching an episode directed by Joss Whedon and starring Neil Patrick Harris, no less - surely a Recipe For Gold.
But, unfortunately, everything else included in said Recipe resulted in a Cold Dish of LAME!

If you're not convinced, rather than listen to my spurious cooking metaphors, perhaps you should listen to the Wingman:

Dave Grohl - You Rock.
Jeff Winger - You Rock.
Glee - You Fail to Rock.

MON THE BIFFIN' BIFF!!!

2011-02-25T19:45:00.004+11:00

Congrats to my kids' favourite band, the mighty Biffy Clyro, for their win for Best Live Band at the Shockwaves NME 2011 Awards, beating out Muse, whom they supported on their Aussie tour last year (despite the fact the Biff RAWK and Muse BUYTE).
Which reminds me - I recently found this clip of them playing live in front of a select audience from a great Youtube channel - SolidSnake00. Starts with the legendary song 9/15ths.
Get into it:

Just found out their pick for "Godlike Genius" is Bill Hicks, too.
Legends.
PS Where are my manners? This is their youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/biffyclyro.
PPS Might I suggest another live one, say "Living is a Problem because everything dies"? Enjoy:

Allow me to discrimonstrate

2011-02-15T17:15:00.004+11:00

I wrote a little while ago that the Brumby Government had started to stink up the place quite a bit, and so it was not much of a surprise that they got booted out.
I also wrote that I didn't exactly have high hopes for Baillieu.
Well, he's only been in power for a few months, but things are already looking very dicey with this Victorian Government.
Exhibit B (this was Exhibit A): Rachel Ball, director of policy and campaigns at the Human Rights Law Resource Centre, recently wrote in "Baillieu promised a fairer Victoria, but it looks like the opposite" that the State Government has stated it will scrap measures in Victoria's Equal Opportunity Act that are designed to actively promote equality, including stripping powers from the Victorian Equal Opportunity and Human Rights Commission, and also "expand the ''permanent exceptions'' that give religious groups and entities - including those that provide public services using public money - a free licence to discriminate against de facto couples, gays, lesbians and single mums, among others."
Why do they even need to go there? Aren't there more pressing concerns than allowing men in dresses to discriminate against single mothers on the basis of "a book of stories inscribed by an itinerant Middle Eastern shepherd many millennia ago" (with thanks to The Onion for that quote*).
I think the philosophy of this commenter ("Embe") had a simple eloquence: "I say, take away all tax payer funding from these organisations and then they can discriminate to their intolerant hearts content. If they take our secular money they should follow our secular inclusive rules."
Hear, hear, Mr Embe.
And boo, hiss, Mr Baillieu. My kickboot is getting itchy. I think it wants to connect with your behind region...
* Perhaps I'm being facetious, since the Bible "deals with all kinds of germane topics, from what meats one should not eat due to mankind's lack of refrigeration technology to the pre-Iron Age accounts of territorial disputes affecting a certain area of the Fertile Crescent."

I'd rather be watching TV

2011-02-11T14:49:00.007+11:00

The rilestar does heart the teevs, and these are a few of his more public rantings lately.
First, in relation to The Age article "All just a little bit tasteless", which states the bleeding and punning obvious by saying: "Despite both being based around food, The Biggest Loser lacks taste and My Kitchen Rules has no flavour", rilestar said:

"I have never watched a single one of these games shows (calling them "Reality TV" I think is giving them more credibility than they deserve), including Big Brother, Survivor, et al, apart from a few episodes of The Amazing Race, which was actually very entertaining. But otherwise I generally stick to quality scripted dramas and comedies...and dramedies...stuff like Entourage, 30 Rock, Deadwood and Community.
I have no great desire to watch boring people being boring. Leave that to other boring people.
Plus I'm not fat."

Speaking of fat people, another contributor, Tara, said "To anyone overweight who is reading this, may you nourish yourself with love and the food that benefits your body." By which I assume she means "Hey fat people: eat a carrot." Harsh! (her words, not mine)
Another article, "Goodbye Daily Show, we hardly knew you", reports that ABC2 no longer has the rights to broadcast Rant faves The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. The rilestar had been wondering what had happened to them, as they were good back-ups in case the old iQ failed to record either or both for whatever reason, and so also contributed to the discussion (swimming against the tide of "Foxtel sucks, I download everything"):

"It seems I'm one of the few (or the only person?) who signed up to Foxtel just to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (about 5 or 6 years ago). Love 'em both - also flew to Washington last year for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, so paying for Foxtel is not that big a leap. There's lots of good stuff on Foxtel though, like Louie and the latest episodes of Entourage (just a little late), so I'm happy with it (though was wavering a bit last year when TDS and TCR were on ABC2 and the other networks seemed to be getting their acts together on their alternative channels - not wavering any more). Now my bugbear is Channel Go! not showing Community any more - tempted to jump on Channel BitTorrent for the first time ever, just to get my fix of the funniest show not currently on TV..."

And speaking of Community, rilestar also waded into the debate regarding "Where did all the intelligent TV go?", in particular, the many comments along the lines of "All US shows are crap":

"To the US-haters, a lot of my current favourite TV shows are American: Community, 30 Rock, The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Louie, Entourage, Modern Family, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and that's just the comedies. Great dramas include Deadwood, Lost, The Sopranos, Mad Men and Breaking Bad (just to name a few). Not to mention Seinfeld!
Anyone who thinks all American TV is like Two and a Half Men really needs to get out more. By which, I mean, they should stay in more.
But to respond to the point being made by Mike (who also mentioned many of the above shows), I agree that the Australian commercial networks really do seem to think that Australians can't handle quality TV (though maybe their market researchers only interview ignorant people like the US-haters).
Personally, I rely on Foxtel's iQ taping all my faves and watching them at my leisure, supported by iView, etc. I like my TV.
But here's a message for GO!: Start broadcasting Community again! Funniest show not currently on TV."

Yeah. The rilestar's not afraid to re-use the same line, time and time (and time) again*.

PS Continuing the bad news, The White Stripes also announced they were breaking up. The writer in this article talked about the first time he saw them in 2001, and the rilestar responded with an anti-rant:

"I was also blown away by their cover of Jolene the first time I saw them - on the second stage at the Corner Hotel supporting Six Ft Hick (probably 9 or 10 years ago, as well). Much as I like the Hicks, I couldn't believe that this band was supporting them. And obviously the rest of the world (at least, the part that rocks out) went on to love them, too. Vale, White Stripes. Long live the Dead Weather."

Were you at that gig, too**? Let me know!

* A Strangelove song, I think...
* Saying this makes this seem like a professional blog. I realise that the chances of someone both being at that gig AND reading this are infinitesimally small. Actually, just the chances of someone reading this are infinitesimally small...

All Liars are Liars

2011-02-10T14:57:00.001+11:00

I hate to say "I hate to say I told you so", but: 'Madden attended meeting over Hotel Windsor sham'
I told you I hate to say I hate to say I told you so.

Better than The Phantom Menace

2011-02-07T13:16:00.004+11:00

I don't know if it's because I watched this at least 10 times in a row with my kids on the weekend, or if I'm just playing too much of The Force Unleashed, but this is frickin' golden:

Apparently it's now been played during an event known as the "SuperBowl"*, but I credit @DamonLindelof with giving us the heads-up last week. Thanks, DL**!
* Of course, I know what the SuperBowl is, even if I don't understand it. Is "Third and Down" a thing?
** Based purely on initials, Damon Lindelof is clearly the Bizarro Larry David.

Battlefield Essendon

2011-02-01T14:02:00.013+11:00

I read an article yesterday about my old friend Madden the Clown and Roddie Doyle attending the opening of a new Church of Scientology building in Essendon. Apparently, Madden is quoted as saying: ''You have set the standard for the community with your restoration of this building and with your social programs - an example for others to follow''.
He's such a character!
But I loved this quote further down:

"The church was founded by science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, who declared that the galactic dictator Xenu dumped millions of corpses in volcanoes on Earth 75 million years ago and blew them up with 17 hydrogen bombs. The souls, or ''thetans'', of the dead were contaminated and in turn contaminated humans, who can be cleansed only by Scientology."

It reminded me of a ranty book review I'd started a while ago after reading the hilarious-for-all-wrong-reasons Battlefield Earth a while ago. I actually read it for scientific purposes - to see whether this Lafayette Ronald Hubbard guy was for real, or more like a misunderstood Sacha Baron Cohen creation, like Borat. Y'know - just saying lots of crazy shit and seeing if anyone picked up that he was joking.
I'd always seen his books around (I had even accepted free entry to the "L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition" in Hollywood once when backpacking and thus very poor), and so when the opportunity arose to borrow Battlefield Earth from the library, I took it.
For those of you who don't know it (a) good on you, and (b) it's about an alien race that enslaves humanity in year 3000, and the fight against them (particularly by the "hero" - Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. Yes, that's the name he went with).
I was predictably shocked and stunned by what I read.
At the sheer badness of it.
For one thing, the language he uses is laughable. The bad guys, called "Psychlos", eat “goo-food”, breathe “breathe-gas”, and drink “kerbango”.
Points for imagination: zero.
Another example of extraordinary writing can be found right at the beginning, on page 4, when one of the Psychlos insults another saying ”You’re as crazy as a nebula of crap.”
Can I remind everyone that this was written AFTER Star Wars had come out?
The following paragraph from page 414 was so terrible, I just had to write it down - it's word for word, no typos:

“Chrissie had been spotted by the Scots, and the news earlier rumored to that effect was now confirmed as she went about helping the parson collect wounded Scots on a flatbed that had been gotten running.”

And of course, it contains the propaganda. The following describes a doctor operating on a Psychlo brain:

“MacKendrick saw their reaction. “Nothing new in this. Just electrical impulses approximating brain commands. Some man-scientist did this maybe thirteen hundred years ago and thought he’d found the secret of all thought and made up a cult about it called ‘psychology’. Forgotten now. It wasn’t the secret of thought; it was just the mechanics of bodies. They started with frogs. I’m cataloging this body’s communication channels, that’s all.””

Relevance? Zero.
It even gets some shameless self-congratulatory delusion in there, stating towards the end that after the humans won, one of the characters “wrote a book: The Jonnie Goodboy Tyler I knew, or The Conqueror of Psychlo, Pride of the Scottish Nation. It was not as good as this book, for it was intended for semiliterate people” (page 1049 - yes, that's one THOUSAND and forty nine pages of this!)
In fact, it appears El Ronnie was particularly adept at the self-congratulation. According to his bio (in the book, though I should point out there's a possibility it's not factually correct...or worse) he was "in addition to a writer (with a career spanning more than half a century of intense literary achievement and creative influence), an explorer, ethnologist, mariner and pilot, filmmaker and photographer, philosopher and educator, composer and musician. He broke his first bronc and became the blood brother of a Blackfeet Indian medicine man by age six. In 1927, when he was 16, he traveled to a still remote Asia…"
Ahhhh! I can't do this any more, so I'll just let him finish off, with his preface to the so-called "book":

“To show that science fiction is not science fiction because of a particular kind of plot, this novel contains practically every type of story there is – detective, spy, adventure, western, love, air war, you name it. All except fantasy; there is none of that. The term “science” also includes economics and sociology and medicine where these are related to material things. So they’re in here, too.
“In writing for magazines, the editors (because of magazine format) force one to write to exact lengths. I was always able to do that – it is kind of a knack. But this time I decided not to cut everything out and to just roll her as she rolled, so long as the pace kept up. So I may have wound up writing the biggest sf novel ever in terms of length. The experts – and there are lots of them to do so – can verify whether this is so…
“And as an old pro I assure that it is pure science fiction. No fantasy. Right on the rails of the genre. Science is for people. And so is science fiction.”
“Ready?
“Stand by.
“Blast off!”

And now you want to read it.

Trail blazing trial grazing

2011-01-30T08:55:00.002+11:00

A quick mini-rant:
In response to the new Victorian Government's decision to allow cattle back into Alpine National Parks to graze as part of a "scientific trial"*, Libby Rumpff**, of the University of Melbourne's School of Botany, stated:
"The only fact that this trial can discover is that cows eat grass."
That's scientific comedy gold.
* Seems similar to Japanese whaling "scientific trials", which are scientifically determining whether stabbing whales kills them, and whether dead whales are more edible than live whales. The results so far appear inconclusive.
** Notice how I didn't make any scientific comedy gold comments about the word "Rumpff"? That's because I'm a grown-up.

Things I've learned in the past week or so...

2011-01-28T21:03:00.009+11:00

(Or how I learned to stop writing long blog posts and just get this stuff out there, short-stuff Twitter-style)

A few things I've learnt this week:

Alberto Cheatador got nailed (and I got to see Lance many, many times up close and personal at the Tour Down Under -BAM!)
Apparently I'm to blame for Angus and Julia and Stone getting the No.1 spot in the Hottest 100, even though I did not and would not vote for them (my No.1 song of the year was "Tighten Up" by the Black Keys, but I consistently have my thumb off the pulse of what the general public like, as evidenced by my failure to watch a single episode of Masterchef, combined with my constant ability to watch shows that get cancelled or placed at weird times or on weird stations (Community, 30 Rock, even Buffy), plus predicting that no-one liked John Howard or (heaven forbid) that Peter Costello would be better than Howard...and so forth. Come to think of it, my inability to see eye-to-eye with the public-at-large could be why I rant...)
Ricky Gervais is an hilarious atheist
Douchebaggery
Privatising our public transport has meant we've paid a billion dollars for worse service (but of course if you read this blog, and the fact you just read that previous sentence indicates you do, you already know that)
By putting the maintenance of the surplus above climate change reform (and, indeed, common sense, by taxing people a small amount for a lot of grief), Julia Gillard really doesn't know what she's doing there.

That last bullet point of learning is very disappointing. I (and an entire country, besides) have given her a chance, but it's just getting worse. The right-wing crazies were already howling for her blood, but the progressives don't seem too keen on what she's been doing either.
Some bold decisions need to be made - the flooding we've seen this year is likely to become a frequent occurrence (as early as next week apparently, with some cyclones bearing down on a Queensland that must be full to the brim with homosexuals, assuming you're into the whole Wrath Of God thing), and we've already seen other evidence of extreme weather events with not just the bushfires in Victoria, but events all over the world. Ian Lowe, president of the Australian Conservation Foundation, has some good suggestions in his article "Drowning in a hothouse", mostly to do with acknowledging there's a problem and putting a price on carbon pronto, as well as investing in public transport, phasing out multibillion-dollar subsidies of fossil fuel production and use, and investing in clean energy. Y'know, obvious stuff. Also, I'm no engineer, but I also wonder if there shouldn't be some kind of huge nation-building program undertaken to divert water that would otherwise cause flooding through the Great Dividing Range and into the Murray-Darling river system - #twobirdsonestone. Twitter-style!
Plus the ongoing debacle that is the resource rent tax (or the "Some minerals extraction tax", or "Oil-and-coal-companies-can-you-lend-me-a-fiver-scheme", or whatever it's going to end up as) really sticks in my ... anyone? Anyone? "Craw" - That's right - its sticks in my motherlovin' craw. To add insult to injury about our Government's limp-wristed approach to this issue, an Associate Professor at the University of Melbourne, Peter Christoff, decided to rub our noses in it a bit (with good intentions), telling us that:

"Mesmerised by the short-term benefits of successive mineral booms and shackled to their revenue flows, Australian governments have become both increasingly reluctant and increasingly politically terrified to regulate the pace of exploitation of these resources or to seek their full worth. And because returns to the state have been spent immediately, governments have become addicted to the income stream and unable to slow the exploitation of resources that have no future, such as coal and, eventually, gas, if we are to take climate change seriously.
We have been told over and again that this development path was the only choice for Australia, which doesn't have the public capital base to invest in exploration and exploitation of its non-renewable natural resources.
Strange, then, that a small nation such as Norway - population 5 million - should have had the capacity to do so. Stranger still that Norway could use revenue from its oil and gas windfall to establish a national fund that is now a major investor in economic development both in Norway and overseas, guaranteeing a revenue stream to fund the very robust Norwegian welfare state - its health, transport, public housing, and social security system."

Ahhh, jeez. I'm just gonna go to the Big Day Out and watch the Black Keys, to calm my nerves.

Speaking of which, here's that favourite song of mine from last year:

What's that? The Black Keys have cancelled their Australian tour?
Motherfuck!
All right, I'll just watch Ricky Gervais being funny again:

All the way with Turn-BJ!!!

2010-12-10T12:08:00.001+11:00

Could there be any better way of highlighting the clear differences between current Liberal leader and secret super villain "ClownMan" (TM) (otherwise known as the mild/ill-mannered Tony Abbott), and the man he deposed by a single vote (Malcolm Turnbull: "Turn-BJ" - USE IT!) than by reading the following two relatively recent articles:

"Judges' election on cards : Abbott" (wherein ClownMan unthinkingly blurts that it is "almost inevitable" that Australia will adopt the American system of electing judges if courts do not listen to the community and deliver tougher sentencing); and
"Political risk in making a martyr of Assange" (wherein Malcolm Turnbull sagely and considerately states "Assange is an Australian citizen. No matter how much the government disapproves of his actions, it should make it clear that he is entitled to return to Australia if he wishes and to receive consular assistance if the charges of sexual assault proceed in Sweden" and "Julia Gillard's claim that Assange had broken Australian laws, when it is clear he has not, demonstrates how out of her depth she is.")

Of course, I always preferred gutless wonder Costello to lying scumbag Howard, so what do I know...

The Decline and Fall of the State Labor Government's Empire

2010-12-04T11:17:00.004+11:00

Well - it's over.
For the ALP's Victorian Government, that is. Wa-hey!!
And I hate to say "I told you so" but ...
Actually, I think I enjoy saying it. What I really hate saying is "I hate to say "I told you so"" (because I have to say it so often, you see...)
Anyhoo - I told you so! Here, and here and here. And also here quite forcefully. Plus I already mentioned here.
I was half-way through another post railing against the Government that I was going to call "On the Nose" (an enormously witty reference to the former Victorian slogan "On the Move") but they went and got themselves kicked out before I could finish it.
The surprising thing for me was not the result, but the fact that everyone else seemed surprised about the result. I thought I was alone in predicting the Labor Government would go down this election, but to be fair, a few other commentators (or "professional journalists", if you want to get accurate about it) also recognised the danger signs, like Paul Austin of The Age back in February ("Labor's tide begins to turn") and David Rood in March, after the Altona by-election ("The Sorry Factor").
I'm not saying I'm jumping for joy about it - I'm just being self-congratulatory for picking it.
One of my biggest sore points was the Hotel Windsor debacle, which involved the leak of a plan by the Minister for Clowning - Justin Madden - and/or his staff to have a sham consultation into the development of the hotel, followed up with an immediate approval of the project after the leak, and a refusal to allow any of his staff to testify at the subsequent inquiry. As stated in the article "Arrogant executive should be brought to heel in Windsor case":

"DEFIANCE of the law by the government is one of the most serious things that can occur in any democracy. It is a breach of the rule of law, the most fundamental value on which our constitutional arrangements are based. It is precisely this sort of dangerous defiance that the Victorian government is engaged in with its refusal to co-operate with a parliamentary inquiry into the Hotel Windsor planning processes - and it is doing so under the cover of a bogus "parliamentary convention".
"The time has come for the Victorian Legislative Council, the upper house of the Parliament, to take severe action against the executive and to establish the point once and for all that the Parliament's legitimate role must be accepted."

So - their lack of respect for democracy stuck in my craw somewhat.
Plus there was all that stuff they ignored or tried to hide about public transport (and myki), and smart meters, and the desal plant and the Port Phillip Bay dredging and BAD PLANNING and...
You get the idea.
It's unlikely that Baillieu will be able to fix many if any of these problems. But a democratically elected Government that fails to abide by the central tenets of democracy deserves to get democratically kicked in the ar$e.
Baillieu - you're next in the cross-hairs on my boot. Get to work.

How to watch TV without watching TV

2010-11-30T21:52:00.001+11:00

Continuing on from my last post about our mentalist one-week trip to the States, the day after the Rally we braved a train to New York (despite it being scary and Halloween), for what turned out to be a 5-day TV/BeerFest (without really watching any TV ... and drinking a lot of Beer).
First order of business: seeing both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in Washington DC was clearly not enough - we were determined to go to tapings of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, too.
We had hoped to go to one or both shows when we were in New York back in 2007, but they just happened to start a writer's strike THE DAY WE TOUCHED DOWN IN THE U.S., so we were unable, that time around (note my sad face and the "No Show Today" sign in the window in the photo below, which would stay in the window at least until we left the country):

This time, in 2010, was our chance to make amends.
The main problem, of course, was actually getting tickets. Although the shows are free, they are ticketed.
Now, I thought that, since we were making the effort to fly half-way around the world to attend their Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive, the least Messrs Stewart and Colbert could do would be to let us attend a taping or two whilst in New York. Plus, Australians are so, like, adorable, right?
I thought wrong. And no.
E-mails went unanswered, a tweet to @ColbertReport of "Hey! My wife and I are flying from Australia for the March. We're AFRAID we won't also get tix to the Report - little help?" also received no love. And, according to Comedy Central's website, they don't even open snail mail. So it seemed that the ONLY way to get tix was via the websites themselves, at http://www.thedailyshow.com/tickets and http://www.colbertnation.com/tickets.
Unfortunately, every time I logged on to those sites, they reinforced the lack of fortune and said "Unfortunately, there are no tickets available to see The Colbert Report/The Daily Show with Jon Stewart at this time. Check back soon to secure your tickets or sign-up below to receive e-mails letting you know when new dates open up" (just as they probably will NOW if you hit those links). After many attempts I naturally concluded the internet was broken, because there were NEVER tickets available.
However, and in a reversal of the Fortune-Lack, a few weeks before we left I discovered (like I'm Magellan) a Twitter account that constantly updates when tickets become available: @dailytix. Thanks to this service, and my near-constant monitoring of Twitter (just kidding, boss, if you read this!! Everyone else: I'm not kidding), we managed to get tickets to The Daily Show about 2 weeks before we left for the States. And then, whilst still in DC just before we caught our train to New York, we managed to score two tickets to The Colbert Report for the show being taped the VERY NEXT DAY!
So, after arriving in New York, checking into the Bowery Hotel in the East Village - a great place in a great location, just one block from the former CBGBs - and then partaking in the Greenwich Halloween Parade and many, many microbrews, we recovered on the Monday and made our way to The Report's studio on 54th Street. Thanks to arriving pretty early (around 4:30pm for a 7pm taping), we were something like 20th in line, and dead-certs to get in (although we had tickets, they overbook (since they're free, people tend to not turn up), so they still recommend that you get there early if you want to be sure about getting in).

For an idea of what to expect (e.g., in the queue, once clearing security, in the actual studio), I recommend reading one of these highly informative reporTs, all of which involve stories better than mine:

The warm-up guy for us was the very funny and charming Julian McCullough, who asked if anyone was from out of town. Our hands shot up, and we surprised him by apparently being the first Australians in the history of the show to proudly announce "Yes, We Are Convicts", before he had a chance to.
A very cool thing about attending the tapings is that, before every show, Stephen comes out and allows the audience to ask him questions, about anything, out of character. There are some examples of very good questions in the reporTs above, but I did manage to get his attention and wittily ask: "Would you ever think about getting John Travolta to fly a planeload of your audience out to Australia?" To which he frustratingly replied, with a twinkle in his eye: "You seem to know the way!" and moved on to the next question.
NOOOOOOO!!! I really wanted to know if he would think about coming to Australia! Plus I forgot to mention that we flew over just for the Rally (like I've told everyone else I've ever met)!!
However, I got a hint of why he may have moved on from my question so quickly the next night at the taping of The Daily Show, when another Australian in the audience right behind me boringly asked Jon "When are you coming to Australia?" YAWN!! Can't you Australians think of anything else to ask? Especially since (as we were told by staff when we were in the queue for The Report) they have had at least one Australian in the audience EVERY NIGHT since The Colbert Report began!
So if I can offer some advice: if you're Australian, don't even think about asking "When are you coming to Australia?" (even if asked cleverly and topically like me) - ask something interesting about Watership Down or Large Fruit-based sculptures like the ladies above.
Anyhoo - the shows were great. The episode of the Colbert Report was the first one after the Rally, which started with Stephen doing his "Steph Colbert's Hobby Hovel" in front of a green screen (right in front of us - the studio really is small, and we were only about 4 rows back, so we were super-close) and we all had to practise and then perform the song "It's the Greatest, Strongest Country in the World" ("From North to South and East to West and diagonally!") along with Stephen when he went through some Rally highlights, as well as at the end. Plus Stephen looked right at me after one of his jokes, knowing that I get his stuff, and we also both wear glasses.
And The Daily Show we went to the following night was the live election special (on 2 November - the day of the mid-term elections) which was also very exciting. Although the guests weren't super-famous for either show, at The Daily Show taping we were blessed with seeing not 1, not 2, not 3, not 5, but FOUR of the regular correspondents: Aasif Mandvi, Olivia Munn, Jason Jones and John Oliver (wearing his green-screen suit)! We just needed a Wyatt Cenac or a Sam Bee for a full house! (though we did run into Kristen Schaal in The Pony Bar in Hell's Kitchen after the show - did you know she's a horse? Incidentally, The Pony Bar is one of many, many great bars in NY with many, many microbrews on tap - check it: http://www.theponybar.com )
So, anyway, after the two tapings, and speaking to some of the legends involved, I think I can very safely and humbly say: "TV Cha-Ching!!!"
In all seriousness, it's great to watch both the shows now and picture how it all fits together behind-the-scenes (especially when we get glimpses of the scary security guys who just watch the audience the whole time ready to open up multiple cans of W-A. For a comedy show, they sure look like they want to dismember some audience members).
Our TV Adventures didn't stop there, though.
The same night we saw The Colbert Report, we managed to then get into another show - the script reading of a movie based on Glenn Beck's book "The Overton Window" - at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater (which, since we're speaking about TV, was started by, amongst others, Amy Poehler, and includes such alumni as The Daily Show's Rob Corrdry and Ed Helms). They promised a special guest, and they delivered when Chris Meloni (Elliott from Law and Order: SVU, as well as a scary man from Oz (the prison drama, not the colloquialism referring to Peter Allen)) walked out and sat 3 metres away from us!
TV Cha-ching!
The next day at our hotel we were accompanied into the elevator by a dashing and familiar young man. Tash couldn't help herself and simply asked: "You're in something aren't you?" He was gracious and suggested helpfully that he was currently in the TV series "Bored to Death (questioning shrug?)", whereupon Tash wrinkled her nose and said That's Not It. He took it in his stride and was very friendly, though, and told us he loved Melbourne and would live there if he could (Go Melbs)! Back in our hotel room we fell back on good ol' reliable IMDB and discovered he was Jason Schwartzman (and that he'd been in The Darjeeling Limited, which is what Tash recognised him from, among many others things)!!
TV Cha-ching!
We also went to another comedy show another night (at Comic Strip Live - although it seemed like a bit of a tourist trap, they claim it's the "legendary home of Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Paul Reiser, Carol Leifer, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Ray Romano and more") and Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock was the first of the infinite number of comics they had on. He actually wasn't very funny, but he's on TV!
TV Ka-Boing!
Plus William Stephenson, who played the bus driver in the first episode of Louie CK's show "Louie", was the MC.
TV Mini-Ching!
Ummm...and we also went to Carrie's apartment and Magnolia Bakery in the West Village...
TV A-hem!
The New York Comedy Festival also just happened to be on while we there, and we were tempted to extend our trip by an extra day just so that we could see Joel McHale's (of Community and The Soup fame) stand-up show at Carnegie Hall on the night we left, before realising that New York is the worst place in the world to say "We'll just extend our holiday each day there's something we'd like to go to" ... and so we let it go.
But basically what I'm saying, in case I didn't make it clear, is that we managed to squeeze in a lot of TV experiences in our 5 days in New York without really watching any Cathode Rays. You could say we had a Cathode Rays-Ban!
I am very glad that my writings have led me to type that sentence.
Before I wrap it all up, we also managed to squeeze in some movie experiences, combined with a liberal helping of AWESOME, by hitting the New York edition of Lebowski Fest at Brooklyn Bowl the night before we left (this is something we actually did extend the trip for).
I only found out about Lebowski Fest last year, and never imagined that one day I would actually be able to see, in the flesh, the many people dressed up as The Dude, Valkyrie Maude and Baby Nihilists, the many people drinking white russians ... and bowling.
If you're interested, this is a link to a news item about the night we were there: http://vimeo.com/16722086
The organisers also booked the obligatory cock rock band to finish off the night: Diamondsnake.
And yes, that's Moby in the picture on the left (not just a dude who looks like Moby) shredding on the guitar. We also recognised the bassist, but couldn't quite place him, until we realised it was Dave Hill, who was also one of the "stars" of The Overton Window script reading at the UCBT: Craziness!
The lead singer also plays in a Bee Gees tribute band: Tragedy!
Seriously - "Tragedy" is the name of the band.
Gold.

Below is a video of Diamondsnake playing "D-Snake Riot" that night:

I could go on (for example, our A380 plane was mysteriously absent from LA airport on Friday 5 November), but I think you've read enough.
Congratulations - you are an Achiever - and take 'er easy.

Rally to Restore Virginiaty

2010-11-14T20:49:00.019+11:00

We're baaack!
Actually, we've been back for a week, but I've been tired and sick and also my record for punctual posting is pretty pathetic. Pwnage (I've wanted to use that expression for a while).
Nonetheless, it was great trip. It was, in fact, the biggest television experience of our lives, magically achieved without watching a single pixel of television.
But first: The Rally! The entire reason for our trip was to go to the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in Washington DC.
When it was first announced by Jon (and then Stephen), I originally thought "I wish I lived in America, because that would be great to go to." By the next night, I had seriously started thinking about flying over (but shook my head, slapped my own face (Jane's Addiction-style) and said "pull yourself together, rilestar!") By the third night, I had checked my work schedule (I could fit in a week's holiday), checked with the wife (she wouldn't mind a quick trip to the States and back), and the parents and parents-in-law (who confirmed they could look after the kids or at least periodically re-fill their food bowls). A week later, we booked our tickets, and then on Friday 29 October, we flew to LA on a big Qantas A380 (more on that later) and walked into our hotel room in DC 26 hours later (but still on the 29th of October, thanks to the miracles of Science!)
We had no idea how big (or small) the Rally would be, but the lady I was sitting next to on the plane from LA to DC was also going, as well as another couple nearby who overheard us talking about it, which made 5 people per 4 square metres in that piece of real estate alone. Then everyone except for two people on the shuttle bus from Washington Dulles Airport (technically in Virginia - hence the witty title to this post) had flown in just for the rally, and when we went out in Georgetown that night (still not having slept a wink since leaving Melbourne), the first guy we sat down next to in our first of many bars was also going to the rally. Back in the hotel, a couple we chatted to in the elevator were also going.
So, based on our market research, it was going to be Big, and we would need to get there early.
We got up late.
We also then struggled to get on a train - the first two that came by were completely chockas - they couldn't spare a square! Finally, when the third one came by, we begged and pleaded with the squashed commuters to let us on - "We flew all the way from Australia for this!!!" I recall someone crying hysterically - and a kind and generous and large and bearded man in the doorway wearing a T-shirt saying "Han Shot First" allowed us to squeeze on, despite the protestations of a skinny and unkind and bearded woman about 10 metres away from the doorway.
That said, we were luckier than the many people living in surrounding States (like Maryland, Delaware and VIRGINIA), who were similarly unable to get on trains and who didn't have the option of walking like we were about to ... or a large Star Wars fan called Bill who would allow them on to His train).
So we arrived at the Mall a little late. And the closest we were able to get to the stage (at least until the Rally finished) was just over 7th Street (and the stage was around about 3rd St).
But it was still gooooood.
As I will allow my video to demonstrate:

This is also my pretty shaky report for Boxcutters, recorded not with a camcorder, as one would expect, but with my eeepc laptop's webcam. Enjoy the choice I made:

(If anyone wants me to film and edit your wedding or bar mitzvah, let me know. I'M AVAILABLE).
And since the signs were such a big part of the day (I really regret not getting my ar$e into gear and printing up our Oz-centric signs "I am Australia - and so can you!" and "Dropbears are REAL, people!") this is a link to a hundred of the best: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-100-best-signs-at-the-rally-to-restore-sanity
This has all probably been a lot to take in, and since we left DC (and Virginia) the day after the Rally for New York (New York), I think I'll finish off my stuff about our magical TV adventure in another post.
But it does involve more Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, in case you're wondering...

Give Fear a Chance

2010-10-29T10:38:00.003+11:00

Well, we're at Tullamarine airport, waiting to board the plane that will take us to the States, for our imminent appointment with Messrs Stewart and Colbert at the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear!

(Technically, Tash is going to the Rally to Restore Sanity and I'll be attending the March to Keep Fear Alive, but since they're both in the Washinton Mall at the same time, we might as well go together).

I've been asked by @sealfur to provide a report for Boxcutters, and I might see if I can get that on here, too (if I learn how to use technology in the next 24 hours).

If you're going as well, let me know! I'll be the one wearing a Saints guernsey (because Saints are scary...)

Try not to burn Melbourne to the ground while we're gone (although the monsoonal rains should help avoid that)!

JET f**ked!

2010-10-21T15:55:00.005+11:00

Witty title, I know.
Went to see the Great Powderfinger in the mud and the wet in Ballarat on the weekend, for what was meant to be the last gig in their "Sunsets" tour (it's now been much extended to finish sometime in 2017. Incidentally, I've been travelling for work and have been in the same city as them 3 or 4 times so far (in, like, Perth and Canberra, of all places), but instead of taking those many opportunities, I instead drove out to Ballarat to see them in the wet and the mud).
Nonetheless, very enjoyable, and v good to see them going out on what appeared to be a high.
They were supported by Paul Dempsey, who was also good, and...JET. Who were...JET.
Allow me to rewind a few years to Powderinger's "Across the Great Divide" Tour, which we saw in Bendigo ("Bendigoin'off!"), when I was a little non-plussed about seeing Powderfinger's support act - Silverchair. But I was very and pleasantly surprised - Silverchair are a great live band and Daniel Johns is of course a genius.
Now, fast forward a few years to this "Sunsets" tour, and I was again non-plussed about seeing Powderfinger's support act - this time: JET. But I was very and unpleasantly shocked into utterly hating this band within approximately two songs. Wow. They suck to the max. I know people seem to like them, but those people don't understand that they have no idea. They've been sucked (there's that word again - coincidence? I don't think so) into the complete vacuosity of this derivative band who don't appear to have a single original idea - including their faux-rock-star "attitude". I was quite astounded. And then, so that I didn't completely waste my time while they were playing, I went through my phone and deleted old text messages.
Burn.
But when Powderfinger came on, all was forgiven. Those guys rock out with their bits and pieces out. And they played both Capoicity and personal fave Thrilloilogy. Plus stuff from Double Allergic (and Ian played a small glimpse of the riff from "Tail" from Parables for Wooden Ears).
Not "My Kind of Scene", but overall, pretty frickin' sweet.
Well worth the mud and the waste of time before they came on.
Vale, 'Finger Dudes.
PS I want to reiterate that Paul Demspey was also great. I was just very surprised to discover how much I hated JET.

I called it! (the sequel)

2010-10-05T16:56:00.005+11:00

Moving on to other sports that don't crush my soul ... as much (although I've got very limited success in picking winners here, too): Cycling.

First: Congrats to the God of Thunder. Was hoping for an Australian win, of course, but in a bunch sprint, all i can say is: WHERE WAS ROBBIE MCEWEN!?!?!?!
Secondly, and just as I suspected: Alberto Cheatador has been caught out: Alberto Contador tests positive to banned substance. I don’t care that he claims he’s innocent, or that the amount of steroids found in his system can only be measured in picograms, or that this is the first time I’ve ever heard the words “picogram” or “clenbuterol”.
What I DO care about is that the story also stated:

“Contador was part of the Astana-Würth team that was forced to withdraw from the 2006 Tour de France following doping allegations.
Contador was among five riders named in a doping investigation by Spanish authorities but he maintained his innocence during the scandal.”

Take that!
I choose not to quote the following paragraph, which stated “He never failed a drug test nor was he ever punished by cycling authorities.”
Because that paragraph does not fit my narrative (see, for example, here and here).
Go Saints/Andy Schleck.

PS With the Road Racing World Championships being in Melbourne for possibly the first and only time, I was very much looking forward to seeing these legends live in the lycra'd flesh. But, as usual at this time of year, I'm travelling for work, and had to fly to Brisvegas that day! And also I drank a large quantity after our Grand Final loss and also didn't realise daylight savings had kicked in and therefore missed meeting up with my one-man posse at Fed Square. Moral? It's Andrew Demetriou's fault.
PPS Andy Schleck losing to Cheatador by 39 seconds after he suffered a mechanical problem on the Port de Bales was much like the Saints losing the Grand Final rematch. By that I obviously mean: it was Andrew Demetriou's fault.

It's all Saints to Me, The Sequel

2010-10-05T00:46:00.003+11:00

Yep: the Saints finally won one... again...
Unfortunately... not quite the right Saints... again...
Getting warmer, though...

And another thing...

2010-10-03T00:02:00.003+10:00

What's with Fucking Lionel Richie? Sure, Faith No More did a cool cover of a Commodores song, but give me, a die-hard Saints supporter, a fucking break.
I know a lot of other people had ideas about bands, but I'm astounded that the Weddoes were not even considered.
They reunited to play Grand Final Eve at the Palace, and Mick Thomas is a recognised DIE HARD SAINTS SUPPORTER.
"Under The Clocks", a classic Melbourne song, directly references the Saints getting done at again at the MCG.
Coincidence? No. We get done all the fucking time at the MCG. So probably not my first selection for a pre-Grand Final song at a Saints' Grand Final, but you can't doubt the Weddoes' commitment to Footy.
Plus, the crowd would love their shit. Their Fucking Great Shit: "Father's Day". "Monday's Experts" (another FOOTBALL SONG). "A Ticket in Tatts" (a Dane Swan tribute, if you need). "Scorn of the Women" (AFL Policy, nyah, nyah).
But they went with Lionel Fucking Richie.
So I got there late today.
Lessened my eventual pain (though I stayed to the end - if I was concerned about pain I obviously should have left earlier).
AFL: Next time the Weddoes do a Grand Final Eve gig, book them for the next day. Not only is it courteous, they'll rock your socks off your sock-covered balls.
PS: The opportunity's lost this time 'round, but next time Collingwood wins a Grand Final (let's hope it's not for a while), once the other team's fans have left the ground, it's a victimless crime if the MCG gets attacked by Muslim Vampires. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oh when the Saints, get ** in the

2010-10-02T23:02:00.005+10:00

I just sent the following missive to Mr Andrew Demetriou:

"Dear Mr Demetriou
Having now been intimately involved with the football goings-on of the last week and a day (as a Saints member), please let me give you my opinion: a drawn Grand Final should go into extra time to allow the result to be determined on the day.
I say this because, as a die-hard Saints supporter who has now been to three winless Grand Finals in the last 372 or so days, I would have MUCH preferred to have lost last week in extra time than to have gone through this hopeless charade in the past week, only to have an even worse loss today.
I don't care what happened back in 1977 (I lie, of course, because my first memory is from 1977, and it's of my Dad taking me to see Star Wars at the cinema (which was fancy back then), but not taking my younger brother because he might be scared of Chewbacca...but we're talking footy now...)
I know it's "tradition", but people had nothing to do in 1977 (plus it was North Melbourne and Collingwood: Two Dud Teams (no disrespect intended - my team just lost a Grand Final today, I'm sure you understand)).
But this week, weddings were cancelled or moved, the women's elite road cycling race was ignored, families were abandoned by Saints supporters who have little time as it is, and even fans were abandoned (by the AFL: BAM!!!)
All so that Collingwood supporters could feel the much the same as they would have if they had won last week (although there's a good argument they would have felt better last week, which would have been a great win in the circumstances) and ALSO so that Saints supporters could feel much, much worse, and waste a lot of time and money to boot.
In case you're interested, I am super-demoralised. I'm wishing Lenny had not kicked that point last week, so we would have instead lost by one point, and taken solace from our ability to come from behind and almost snatch victory, instead of being completely annihilated in a "replay" one week later. And I mean no disrespect to the players: today was just one day. But, man, Collingwood killed us today, and there was no need to put the players and the supporters through that - if the rules allowed for extra time in a Grand Final.
For the sake of future fans in future finals, please Mr AFL: Change the Rules.
If it helps, and for the record, my son (a Saints member all his life) plays soccer.
And they have extra time in soccer.
And as of today I'm a lot more interested in soccer myself (I'm not threatening. I'm just, y'know, saying. The obvious).
Thanks for reading (or having one of your minions read).
Rile(star)"

Still. GO SAINTS.

Ebony and Irony

2010-10-01T17:04:00.007+10:00

Is it irony that my last post was about the Saints winning one, and my very next post is just before the Real Saints* hopefully win their own?
And while we're on the topic: Is it ironic to use the word "ironic" in a deliberately non-ironic situation?
I submit it would be if you were a Master Of Irony, trying to win the Irony Man Competition, and as your closing statement you deliberately say something you think is ironic that is Not In Fact Ironic.
THAT would be IRONIC!
Coincidentally (though not ironically), that would have to win any Irony Man Competition.
Take that, Ms Morissette! (Loved your work in Dogma, by the way. Call me.)
Anyhoo, I guess I should mention that I’m back on the Rantwagon, mah peeps.
I’ve had a lot of rant-juice building up in my rant duct, and it’s time to Let Loose.
I could say that the reason I haven't posted for a super-long time is because I was waiting for the Saints to get into another Grand Final, or because I'm waiting for Sirmarco to post first (but he's taking fricking forEVER), or even because I need to spend time with my family instead of ranting into the very thin air that is the little-read and over-populated blogosphere.
But let's just blame it on Muslim Vampires. Or Twitter.
Whatever the reason, I'm back.
GO SAINTS.
*No disrespect to the New Orleans Saints, of course, I just have a deep and abiding link to the Saints of St Kilda, both in bayside Melbourne AND in the outlying Scottish island.

Faceblocked

2010-04-07T09:07:00.003+10:00

I've finally done it. After years of bi-annually checking my Facebook account, I've deactivated it. I'm free! Now I can just concentrate on my real passions - YouFace and Twatter. What? You don't twat? Might also give me some time to post on this blogging device...

It's All Saints to me!

2010-02-09T10:35:00.005+11:00

The Saints finally win one!
Yes, I know they're not the mighty Saints from St Kilda, who...well...recently failed to win one.
But it counts.
Just as a win by the St George Dragons in Rugby League would count, or by the Saints of Southampton FC (y'know, if they were still in the Premier League...)
Or anyone on St Patrick’s Day.
They all count as a win for me.
Go (New Orleans) Saints!

I didn't do it!

2010-01-22T19:12:00.002+11:00

There's a lot of angst in my hometown lately about classic music venues shutting down, and rightly so.
The big news this week was the closure of The Tote in Collingwood, followed a few days later by an announcement that The Arthouse on Elizabeth Street would also be closing.
It got me thinking about the great bands I'd seen at The Tote, like the Dirty Three and SixFtHick...and then I remembered that I had also played at The Tote!
As well as The Arthouse...
Hmmmm...
Other places our band had played included the Punter's Club in Fitzroy (closed), the 9th Ward in Flinders Lane (gone), Joey's in South Yarra and St Kilda (both shut), the Greyhound in St Kilda (no bands anymore), et cetera, et cetera...
We did have our CD launch in the Espy Gershwin Room, though, and that's still kicking on.
I, uh, hope I didn't just kill it, though...

Back to the Future's Past...Today!

2010-01-14T19:33:00.006+11:00

OK, OK, OK!!! (the last "OK" was a yell, but sadly my acronym was already in capital letters).
One of my few readers got a little uppity recently, saying something like "Why don't you write on your blog any more?"
I KNOW. Uppity to the max!
The answer is clearly something to do with laziness, but my New Year's Resolution is...oh, I can't be bothered going through that. Anyhoo, here's my latest post-age (Pauly Shore-style) re: things that stick in or about my craw-area.
First, Nicholas D. Kristof recetly wrote about Religion and Women in the context of the recent "Parliament of the World’s Religions" right here in the land Down Under:

“Women are prevented from playing a full and equal role in many faiths, creating an environment in which violations against women are justified,” former President Jimmy Carter noted in a speech last month to the Parliament of the World’s Religions in Australia.
“The belief that women are inferior human beings in the eyes of God,” Mr. Carter continued, “gives excuses to the brutal husband who beats his wife, the soldier who rapes a woman, the employer who has a lower pay scale for women employees, or parents who decide to abort a female embryo.”
Mr. Carter, who sees religion as one of the “basic causes of the violation of women’s rights,” is a member of The Elders, a small council of retired leaders brought together by Nelson Mandela. The Elders are focusing on the role of religion in oppressing women, and they have issued a joint statement calling on religious leaders to “change all discriminatory practices within their own religions and traditions.”

Nice one, Old Un-Sexist Dudes. And for all those thinking "Why should I ever listen to Godless Heathens and/or Jimmy Carter":

"The Elders are neither irreligious nor rabble-rousers. They include Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and they begin their meetings with a moment for silent prayer."

Ahhhh. So they're still a bit MeNtAl.
But at least they're on the right track.
In another article designed to re-disestablish (please don't get on your anti"disestablish"mentarianism high horse) one's faith in this crazy old world of ours and the...what's the best way to put it..."vermin" that populate it: 'Greed culture' killing planet, it appears that the average American consumes more than his or her weight in products each day (and we all know the average American is quite rotund, so we're talking a lot of products here):

"In its annual report, Worldwatch Institute says the cult of consumption and greed could wipe out any gains from government action on climate change or a shift to a clean energy economy."

Nice one, world.
Unsurprisingly, I've got some ideas, at least for our neck of the woods.
I'll get to that another time...

Bah, humbug

2009-12-24T15:31:00.003+11:00

I know I should probably do something about how Xmas is a con, that 25 December was a pagan holiday stolen by the Roman church, blah, blah, bah, but I haven't posted for ages and simply couldn't resist a classic Scrooge-ism.
Speaking of Scrooged, if you haven't seen it before, watch Bad Santa for Xmas. Best Xmas movie ever (second best is Scrooged).
Hope you had a rantastic 2009, and I'll try and get back on the rant-wagon in 2010.
rilestar out

Theocrazy

2009-10-19T17:57:00.004+11:00

A quick one - due to an article on Barney Zwartz's blog on The Age website about a proposal to allow limited sharia law for mediations between muslims - all voluntary and subject to Australian law at all times (apparently).
Provoked some hearty discussion, most of it ill-informed and of the bad-rant-variety - y'know, racist, xenophobic stuff (not like the good-rant-variety: "Here's why you're wrong and I'm right (add gag)").
Anyhoo, when a bloke called Harry stated the following:

"Our constitution made Australia a Christian Theocracy (in fact). Moslem's in Australia have been saved, in this life only, because of our Christian culture and Heritage. Like it or lump it their fleeing the horror of Islam, arriving in Australia literaly means Moslems have been saved by Our Lord Jesus Christ and the teachings Australia has followed.
We are a Christian nation', 'Christian culture' with to which newcomers should conform, while enjoying freedom for their own beliefs."
All sic as.

The rilestar can't let that slide:

"I know I shouldn't bite when crazy people say crazy stuff, but Harry from Sydney's comment that Australia is, constitutionally, a Christian Theocracy, needs some rebutting: the constitution says quite the opposite, and preserves the secular nature of Government - section 116: "The Commonwealth shall not make any law for establishing any religion, or for imposing any religious observance, or for prohibiting the free exercise of any religion, and no religious test shall be required as a qualification for any office or public trust under the Commonwealth."
The original white settlers of Australia may have been Christian themselves (although I know that at least one of my convict ancestors was Jewish), but that doesn't mean it's a theocracy run by religious nutjobs in accordance with the Christian Bible (Kevin Rudd notwithstanding) or that everyone who subsequently comes here has to be Christian, just as everyone who has arrived since 1788 doesn't have to be a convict or a prison-guard.
Newcomers should only conform to our rule of law, not to any particular religion or culture (especially Harry's) - culture naturally evolves anyway, and every individual has the potential to change our culture, whether they were born here or not. I was brought up a devout Catholic but have rationally chosen to be an atheist (or Pastafarian, according to the latest census). And now I'm commenting on a blog!
And speaking of the rule of law, I agree with Godot that taxpayers of other/no religions should not have to pay for setting up these types of tribunals that may entrench discrimination on the basis of a certain person's reading of 1400 year old texts.
But apart from that, why the hell not?"

Why the HELL not, indeed.

"I like the boy"

2009-10-07T22:53:00.005+11:00

A long time ago...a REALLY long time ago...like, Bert Newton-long ago...it was thought to be very funny to put black paint/polish on one's face and pretend that one was a "person of colour".
I KNOW. Super-funny.
But now, not so funny (funny now is dressing up as a lady on a football-based show, or perhaps pretending to molest a manequin with a photo of a woman's face stapled on to it. Guffaw.)
But blackface is not funny now.
Harry Connick Jnr knows it (it's on wikipedia already!) But he seemed to be alone tonight on the (as I think he called it) "Hey Hey, You've Got No Show" Reunion Special tonight.
Who cares if those clowns are doctors, Daryl?!? Medicins sans humour mais avec beaucoup racism.
Harry - with you all the way.

We will never forget Pixie-Ann, you clown

2009-10-01T15:38:00.004+10:00

That rilestar guy's been at it again.
Magda Szubanski recently ranted about cyclists on Beach Road in Melbourne, and finished off by saying car drivers should take one out with their car door.
She's a difference-maker.
A message board about this seemed to have a fair bit of support for her untenable and ridiculous position (which she has since apologised for) from clearly retarded people who should not be allowed as passengers in cars, let alone drivers, and so rilestar weighed in with this:

Every time I'm riding my bike and I see a car driver run a red light, I just think: "How funny would it be if I stab the next car driver I see in the throat?" Oh, hang on. That wouldn't be funny at all. Plus, an over-reaction like that, killing someone who might have nothing to do with my initial frustration, would make me a bit of pyschopath.
So relax "car drivers" (just so you know, most cyclists also drive cars at other times, so the distinction is quite unnecessary - plus this means we DO pay registration, et cetera, et cetera). If a person upsets you, you know the only person you should feel upset at? That's right - that other person. Not an entire group.
Unless you're a Nazi, of course.
As for Magda Szubanski, she may not be fat any more, but man is she lazy. A rant at cyclists? Wow. Ground-breaking. Let me know the next time she unleashes on bank queues or her mother-in-law.

So let me do the ranting, Magda, and you can do the unfunny thing.
For an entire career.

It was the best of times...

2009-09-28T14:45:00.003+10:00

...it was the blurst of times.
The best was most of the game until maybe half-way through the last quarter.
The blurst? Everything since.
Man, this sucks.
I know one thing: Geelong is no longer my second team. They are close to sixteenth (obviously allowing for any South Australian teams to remain below them).
Ahhhh. It feels good to really despise a team - we Saints don't have any real rivalries, but this is the beginning of a beautiful one.
Onya Maxy. Pity you couldn't play on the day, and you'll be missed.
And despite some people singing his praises and betting that he would win the Norm Smith at odds of 101 to 1, according to Rohan Connolly, Raph Clarke should have made way for Maxy on the day.
That said, we still love ya, boys. We're used to disappointment and loss and the crying and the losing of the sunglasses and licking of the strangers after the game.
Next year, yadeyadeyada.
PS Onya Cadel, too. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Pick on someone your own spellingz

2009-09-11T13:55:00.005+10:00

Oh. My. God.
I have a confession to make. A horrible, gut-wrenching confession. And even though this post is in support of something, meaning it should technically be an ‘anti-rant’, I’m putting it firmly in the ‘rant’ category.
A rant at myself.
Because, today, I agreed with Miranda Devine.
I feel terrible, but she MADE SENSE.
Not the whole time, but at least for a bit...and I agreed with her.
How can this be?!?!
She wrote a piece about Friend of the Show Steve Fielding, and the ridicule he’s been receiving about his inability to pronounce or spell words properly. Ordinarily, that’s hilarious. I agree with Larissa Ham and John Richard's posse when it comes to being a spelling and grammar snob.
Plus, he’s in the legislative game, he should be able to read and write.
But he’s admitted that he’s grown up with a learning disability – possibly dyslexia – and been ridiculed all his life about it. That’s way harsh. He’s clearly not dumb – and even if he was, the voters (and ALP powerbrokers, who ensured he got their preferences over the Greens) put him in office. There’s nothing in the constitution about dumb people not being able to serve (let alone about dumb people not being able to vote - a topic for another rant, methinks).
But that’s beside the point. He’s not dumb – he’s admitted he has a learning disability, and possibly so does his son. So, if that's true, LEAVE HIM ALONE. To use a well-worn footy analogy: play the ball, not the man.
He’s a Climate Change Denier. THAT’S why he’s a clown – no need to get into his personal and family life.
Some civility please, people.
Don’t make me agree with Miranda Devine again.
PS Speaking of footy: Go Saints (registered for my GF ticket OH YEAH!).

How about I suspend YOUR sentence?

2009-09-10T17:40:00.007+10:00

With a knuckle sandwich. Yeah, that's right, you heard me.
Background to that confusing opening:
It's a very easy bandwagon to jump on...and so I shall.
I reckon any judge who lets a child sex offender off easily is suspect, and in unrelated news I'd like to point out this case where a man called RODNEY PETER SMITH downloaded 40 hours of child pornography video and 7569 images (with most of the children between five and 10 years old, even some babies!) and was given a suspended sentence.
For the non-legal among you, that means he walked free.
Here's an idea - the cops should have the power to check the computers and secret passageways of any judge who doesn't give a child sex offender a harsh penalty. For Christ's sake, the maximum penalty for one of the charges was 10 years' jail!
Knock it up a notch, judge!
Don't make potential right-wing nutjob Steve Medcraft, the spokesman for People Against Lenient Sentencing, spell it out to you: "Suspended sentences are a farce on most of the charges... Sex offenders should not have the luxury of suspended sentences. It sends a poor message to the community that our standards are this slack."

Of course, judges don’t suspend sentences for cyclists who hit cyclists, but maybe they empathise more with child sex offenders, that's all I'm saying…
Note: None of this constitutes contempt of court. I totally promise and affirm.

A Massive Dickhead Part II

2009-09-09T12:43:00.002+10:00

A Sequel of Stupidity.
In a classic case of a fat, no-talent pot calling a much more talented kettle which also has a weight problem "fat", Kyle Sandilands also made the hilarious comment that Magda Szubanski could lose more weight if she was put in a concentration camp. Because that's what concentration camps are for: weight loss.
Man, that guy's a cocknocker.

Happy are the unemployed

2009-09-08T10:34:00.002+10:00

Jesus said that, didn't he? That's gotta be the only reason the Catholic Church is trying to force one of its most popular priests, Father Bob Maguire, to retire.
I don’t know if I should support their position, knowing that actions like this could ultimately lead to the death of the Church, or support Father Bob, because he’s a good bloke.
Obviously, if I was religious, I’d be going for the position that destroyed the most people possible, especially people who have slightly different beliefs, because that's what religious people like. And that would mean supporting the Church's own-goal in this case of getting rid of good priests who don’t molest children and thus contributing to its own decline.
But I think I’m just going to have to support Father Bob on this, even though a win for him would mean priests such as he can continue preaching, thus allowing the Church to survive a little bit longer.
Call it my un-Christian values.
Good luck, Bob. Fight the power.

What a Raph-elation!

2009-09-07T17:18:00.004+10:00

Some commentators out there think it's big and/or clever to bag people who are just having a go. Case in point: there was an article in The Age a few weeks ago about each footy team having a scapegoat for when things go wrong, and the poor recipient of this low type of behaviour in the St Kilda Football Club tends to be Raphael Clarke.
But I watched him last night in the Collingwood v Saints Qualifying Smashing and I must say that, much like his TMNT namesake, with the right encouragement he just gets better and better.
He was holding tackles, nearly kicked his first goal of the year, and pushed Magilla Ma-Rocca around to such an extent that I believe Raph now Owns him!
So good on ya, Raph - don't listen to the haters.
The Norm Smith is yours to lose.

Hell hath no fury like the Catholic Church

2009-08-13T16:29:00.002+10:00

Really. Why would you even bother trying to join, or remain with, a dysfunctional pack of clowns like this?: “Sex abuse victim told to 'go to hell'.” By an Archbishop, no less.
Though he's not alone in his total lack of sympathy, and moral standing, by any means.
To quote Jerry Seinfeld (in relation to the New York Yankees, but apt, nonetheless): "That's a hell of an organization they're running up there."

Reduce, reuse, burn sh*t

2009-08-12T18:06:00.005+10:00

Some people, like one-time nemesis of this blog Steve Fielding, say that accepting climate change as a fact, and acting on it, will result in a loss of jobs and economic growth. Those people are closed-minded, short-sighted dinosaurs with no imagination, and also they're ugly.
Fact is, the dinosaurs are vastly outnumbered (not counting birds, which are apparently dinosaurs), the rest of the world IS going to accept climate change as fact, and this is going to be an enormous OPPORTUNITY for jobs and growth.
For example, I just read this in the New York Times: China’s Incinerators Loom as a Global Hazard. Apparently, "As China runs out of landfill space, it is racing to build incinerators, a growing source of toxic emissions"...and fun, if you're a five-year old living in Melbourne suburbs in the seventies. Although I don't recall burning mercury and dioxin.
But let's not get into "who burnt what first".
The point is, it seems to me that there's a market in China for coming up with ways to deal with their waste - y'know, stuff like recycling, reusing, and composting it. Rather than setting fire to it.
Whoever gets on that first is gonna GET PAID.
Odds are, it won't be Steve Fielding.
And speaking of odds: Go Saints.

Twi-lite

2009-08-11T22:39:00.003+10:00

According to this article:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon is pretty sure who would win in a fight between his hunky vamp Angel (David Boreanaz) and Twilight hero Edward Cullen.
"Angel would kick the s**t out of him. He's Angelus," Whedon told MTV. "[Edward] just gets shiny in the sun. Boreanaz would have him down in a heartbeat."

Totally.
UNLESS that Edward guy was able to bore Angel to death before Angel got close enough to thump him in his stupid face.
I know I may upset 12-year old girls everywhere with this comment, but my God*, that movie was a snorefest! Here's an example from the script:

Moderately attractive so-called-vampire looks longingly at moderately attractive human girl.
Moderately attractive human girl looks longingly at moderately attractive supposed-vampire.
(Repeat)

Which reminds me, I've seen a lot of crappy films I could rant about. Must get on that.
Oh yeah - and here's a cool song about vampires from a band that's SO last century.

*Disclosure – I do not own a God.

If this particular Friend is in need, stay the hell away

2009-08-06T14:25:00.006+10:00

You, my loyal sometimes-reader, know that I like to write flippantly, about matters of little to no consequence.
However, I need to get serious, just for a moment. Then I can take us to Nothing Land once more.
I watched a documentary last night called "A Loving Friend" by film-maker Kerry Negara. It was hard yakka, not because of the quality of the film but because of the subject matter. This is a blurb about it from the Melbourne International Film Festival's website (which is also showing the film this year) - I managed to copy the text in between cyber-attacks by disturbingly patriotic Chinese:

"In his posthumously published diaries, Australian artist Donald Friend made shocking admissions of sexual liaisons with children across Asia and the Torres Strait, though many among the arts elite of Australia continue to deny any wrongdoing on Friend’s part.
"Filmmaker Kerry Negara confronts this culture of evasion and the creation of the “nice, culturally acceptable pedophile”. Her documentary encompasses the viewpoints of academics in Canberra through to unprecedented interviews with Friend’s houseboys on the island ‘paradise’ of Bali."

Yeah. A real laugh-fest.
Now, obviousy, Friend was a complete sicko.
But it's his friends and peers in the arts community, the so-called "elites", who are really vile in this documentary.
People like James Murdoch, a fellow artistic wanker-type in Bali, who said the young Bali boys "gave" themselves to Friend - basically saying: as long as no money changed hands it was OK (conveniently ignoring the fact that children are incapable of making such decisions rationally - that's why they need to be protected, not exploited).
And Chris Carlise, a former diplomat, who said the boys appeared to grow up fine and get married, and so they weren't "damaged goods". So, y'know, fuggedaboutit.
And Margaret Olley, a...um...Stupid Old Cow, who said the boys were lucky because Friend gave them opportunities that other, unassaulted, Bali boys did not get.
I'll refer to the members of this "elite" as Wannabe Pedophiles (or "Paedophiles", let's not get paedantic. Though "Pedophiles" had more hits with a Google search, says he expecting the Federal Police any minute now).
First things first.
I don't care how good an artist Friend was*, Friend was a selfish, narcissistic predator, who didn't really care about the children under his "care" - he just wanted to have sex with them.
And I don't care if he looked after the boys financially. Wannabe Pedophiles like Margaret Olley who make this argument are basically saying "If you're nice to the children you're putting your dick in, you're all right!"
And I don't give a flying fuck with a consenting adult about how charming and genial he was. As Bernadette McMenamin from Childwise, a charity which tries to fight child abuse, said: "Monsters don't get close to children, nice guys do."
You were all sucked in by a sociopath, Wannabes.
And others who make semantic arguments about the definition of a pedophile, contortioning themselves to avoid the fact that that's exactly what Friend was, here's a cold hard fact for you.
In Victoria, section 45 of the Crimes Act 1958 states: "A person who takes part in an act of sexual penetration with a child under the age of 16 is guilty of an indictable offence" (other Australian States are very similar).
One of the fuckheads in the film tried to argue that a pedophile was someone who had sex with children under the age of 10 or so, and pretended to be mortified that there would be people like that, very different to our good Donald.
And those who try to argue that it's culturally acceptable to have sex with children in Asia, it's a crime there, too, douchebags.
But, of course, Australians are racist. Especially Australian Wannabe Pedophile Douchebag Arty-Farty Cocknockers.
I'll put some hypotheticals to these Wannabe Pedophiles.
What if a truck driver was living in Bali having sex with children? Would you equally leap to his defence? Or what if Donald Friend had a house full of young girls that he regularly had sex with? WHITE GIRLS! Horrified yet?
And another thing - it's not like the evidence is equivocal about Friend's activities: this is all actually based on Friend's own words in his now-published diaries. So what we know is based on the BEST possible version of events assuming Friend didn't embellish his diaries! Imagine if what he did was even worse, but he chose not to write about it, or exaggerated things to put himself in a good light.
In relation to the publication of the diaries by the National Library, in accordance with Friend's wishes, I found this great article about Friend, and the National Library's complicity in glossing over Friend's wrong-ness: National Library gives arts community a bad name
My only gripe with the film was that Kerry was a little too hands-off, though good documentary filmmakers generally are. But I would have liked to see some Michael Moore-style in-your-face blunt accusations and unwanted opinionating (y'know, like in this blog). The subjects in this documentary, like those mentioned above, seemed to get a bit of a free ride. That said, I'd love to see their faces if they ever watch this doco.
Speaking of which, it's still on at the MIFF, and I recommend it, even if it is harrowing viewing, it tells an important story.
* I'm gonna come out and say it: He was a shit artist and his painting of bananas looked crap. But, don't worry about my opinion, Wannabes. To quote James Murdoch about Friend's child-fucking, "It's not a big deal".

Discriminating discriminators

2009-08-05T14:13:00.007+10:00

Victoria's anti-discrimination laws are currently being reviewed, and a suggestion has been made to remove the exemption allowing religious bodies to discriminate.
First, this is a bit of what our former Treasurer and Exclusive Brethren apologist had to say about this very reasonable proposition:

"The Christian churches want to continue current practice. But a host of community organisations wants to change it. The Federation of Community Legal Services told the parliamentary review that the law should change, claiming: "To allow religious organisations a broad exemption for conscience encourages prejudice..."
"Just think about the moral vanity of that statement. According to these lawyers, a religious conscience leads to prejudice. How did the church arouse public conscience over slavery? How did Florence become a haven for the arts and letters? How did civilisation develop in the past couple of millennia without the Community Legal Services to guide it?"

My response in letter format:

"It was ironic that, in the same edition of the newspaper that Peter Costello used as his vehicle to promote intolerance for people who don’t subscribe to the exact same religious viewpoint, another article reported that yet another child has died for religious reasons: “Dead girl's mother: sickness caused by sin”
"Peter, do you really think we should let decisions on what is or is not right to be dictated by people like this?
"The fact is, our society has progressed despite religious doctrine, not because of it. Religious authorities, comfortable with the status quo, are always resistant to change. But thankfully, our secular society has been able to make leaps and bounds in terms of democracy, precisely because it has not stayed in the dark ages of superstition and entropy.
"Made-up religious reasons should no more be a basis for discrimination than made-up racial reasons."

Although my letter didn't get published (possibly because I never sent it), many other reasonable people replied and were published on my behalf (though no-one made the clever link to the crazy lady article), such as this one from Janine Truter de La Basin:

"PETER Costello seems without irony when he talks of the benefits that religious conscience has brought to society, and fails to mention the oppression of women, the biblical endorsement of slavery, the Crusades, the jihads, the Inquisition and, more recently, the sexual and physical abuse of thousands of children in church homes and parishes, and terrorist attacks around the world.
"If religious institutions truly uphold human rights, they will have nothing to fear from this review. But for those who want to sack a pregnant female teacher because she is unmarried, on the grounds of religious conscience, legal standards for human rights are clearly timely and necessary."

I know, I know: "Religion, blah, blah, TV, blah, Lance Armstrong, blah." That's the Rant O'Clock Way.

"A Massive Dickhead"

2009-08-04T16:58:00.005+10:00

Woo-hoo!
Kyle Sandlilands has left both buildings! I actually don't watch or listen to anything that he does, but every time I read anything about him, he seems singularly unpleasant.
It's a shame that it has taken this latest unsavoury saga (involving the interrogation of a 14 year old girl about her sexual history until she revealed she had been raped when she was 12), for network executives at Channel 10 and Austereo to get rid of him.
And, unfortunately, it seems that he, and many others including their so-called "listeners", don't understand that this latest issue isn't about the revelation of the rape - it's the fact that they were interrogating a 14-year old girl about her sexual history live on the radio. If the rape revelation had not occurred, Sandlilands would probably still be sitting pretty, calculating his next vile premise to get morons to keep tuning in to listen to him and his much more attractive, probably nicer, possibly vacuous sidekick (though, to her credit, it appears that she has tried unsuccessfully in the past to stop inappropriate stuff going to air).
Nonetheless, it appears to have sparked a dialogue about this type of "entertainment", and this this dude has some good ideas about protecting children in the future: Freedom of speech has limits when it's about exploiting children
The other benefit of this episode is that it reminded me of Dave Hughes' bit o' gold at the 2007 Logies, when he "said he was shocked Anthony Callea was gay, just as he was that Guy Sebastian had curly hair, Shannon Noll was a bogan and Sandilands was a "massive dickhead"".
I can't find the video of this online, but I did find this bit from Rove a little later, after Sandlilands said he wanted to punch Hughesy in the throat:

Apparently, their feud has continued, with a Twitter War erupting earlier this year, which Hughes again easily won.
I've been writing about this for far too long, so I'll wrap it up with this extra bit of gold from Jess McGuire from a few years ago: I Admit It, I Was Wrong.
Looks like other people have hated him a lot longer than I.
And I respect them for that.

Manchester Awe-chestra

2009-07-31T16:26:00.004+10:00

First things first: Manchester Orchestra are not from Manchester and are not an Orchestra.
But, man, can they play some tunes!
I blogged about one of their songs recently, but got to see them in the flesh playing many more songs at the HiFi Bar on Monday night. Now, I don't know if this is because I was standing directly under the speakers and about 5 feet from the guitarist, or because I'm just getting super-old (when my Dad was my current age, I was frickin' 12 years old already - get yer calculators out...or your ya-yas...) - but that was possibly the loudest gig I have ever been to. And I'm including in this Metallica, Ministry, Soundgarden, Strangelove, et cetera, et cetera.
Actually, Ministry were pretty bloody loud, too, come to think of it.
But this was bone-jarring stuff.
And fantastic. They made my head go forwards then backwards then forwards again. Repeat.
I agree with what this dwarf had to say about the night in almost every respect.
Get on it, already!
Oh yeah, and Chris Freeman is a psychopath (though he's now shaved his head and bangs his head and plays double drums more than on that youtube video - still, watch from 1:37).

An unhealthy stuperstition

2009-07-26T23:51:00.005+10:00

Just watching the last stage of this year's Tour de Boredom (don't get me wrong, I love the Tour, and have stayed up to watch every stage for the last 3 weeks, but this year, with Cheatador being all-conquering, it's not very exciting...) and I've started thinking about teenagers having sex.
First time, for real!
(An aside - Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen have just, at 11:56pm, agreed with my blog entry about Allan Davies! I didn't know they (or anyone else apart from Fenz) read it! They didn't actually mention the blog, but they were pressed for time - the cyclists are over 80 km from the stage finish, and I'm sure they don't have time to talk about "sources"...)
What I'm thinking is best phrased as a question: Living as you do, being a blog-reader, in the 21st century, if someone you're near starts coughing all over you, do you (a) rely on what science has given us in the last 200 years and get some kind of medical solution to the problem, or (b) turn to religion, and hope that 2000 year old texts can deal with, e.g., H1N5 flu?
Since you can read, I know you'll go with Option A. We've known for about hundreds of years now that religion is no good when it comes to health issues. Being told you're inhabited by seven devils might have been useful 2000 years ago, because people back then were morons, but these days it's not as useful as it used to be.
So. Looking now at teenagers, or anyone else, having sex, which involves a lot more human fluids than coughing on each other (if you're doing it right), I put to you humble blog-reader, should we treat that as a health issue or as a religious issue?
Oh, really? We need to consult our two to four thousand year old texts, rather than the more recent scientific method which has no doubt saved many, many people than religion ever has?
You're an idiot. And your daughter's going to get pregnant to an idiot.
Yes, you.
No, not you - the first guy.
Yeah - you know who I'm talking about, first guy.
You idiot.
PS Go Lance and Cavendish for tonight. That's right. I'm not afraid to pick the outsiders...
PPS Go saints.

Scenic Highway Robbery

2009-07-19T23:22:00.003+10:00

Just found out that Tom Boonen has abandoned the TDF due to "intestinal issues", but the question that's not being asked is: what does that mean for Allan Davies?
To ask it more sarcastically, SO glad that Tommy was successful in his appeal against his inability to start in the TDF due to "nosebag issues" the day before the TDF started, only for Aussie Allan Davies to be told he had to go home the day before the TDF, only for Tommy to ride at the back of the peloton for 14 stages, only for Tommy to bail due to his "lack of ability to win anything issues".
Lame.
Lame issues.
And while we're on English-speaking people being robbed (let's have some decorum and not mention all the people English-speaking people rob), Mark Cavendish was totally robbed at the end of Stage 14. From what I've seen, The God of Thunder is also The God of Lame Whingeing, and has cost the Manx Missile a well-deserved jersey.
Though, to be fair, apart from 2006, the handing out of the jersey is often unfair...

Tour de Gallipoli (et de Farce)

2009-07-12T23:27:00.010+10:00

Watching Le Tour right now as I write and you read (assuming you read this in real time, which is, let's face it, impossible), and I've gotta get this off my chest: this Tour is a lot like World War II.
Not just because there's some Germans who want to get to Paris, or the Swiss want to cover themselves in ill-gotten gold (I'm looking at you, Fabian Cancellara). I'm talking about the misuse of Australian bodies.
I knew that the lead-out man for Mark Cavendish was Aussie Mark Renshaw. However, I didn't know until Thor "God of Thunder/Compatriot of Ant-Man" Hushovd won the fifth stage into Barcelona that HIS lead-out man was also an Aussie - Brett Lancaster. So TWO of these supposedly world-class sprinters were really relying on throwing their Colonial Australian Sacrifical Lambs into the trenches before they could claim their own glory in a peculiarly European War.
That's right. They can't do it without their Anzacs.
On top of that, fellow Aussies Michael Rogers and ironically German Heinrich Haussler were injured that very day in the famous Battle for the Spanish Roundabout, which is suspicious to say the least.
And speaking of "least", last but not the, our own General o' the Tour, Cadel Evans, has been fighting bureaucracy and stupidity, and his own Belgians, just to stay in his own position. Sir John Monash, anyone?
(Or maybe, Mel Gibson or that guy with the donkey - Australian History wasn't a priority at my school ... because it was an Australian school.)
Still, the World War II comparison isn't all bad - I'm actually hoping for one other replay of Dubya Dubya Two: let's see if the Americans can come in and save the day, last-minute, annoying everyone with their "will-they-won't-they", we'll-still-charge-you-for-the-privilege, cavalry style. I'm of course referring to Lance Armstrong and Levi Leipheimmer. Surely we can rely on the ANZUS treaty so that these allies/undercover agents can deny Cheatador another victory.
To that end: Go Lance.
I like Lance A Lot.
Boom boom.
PS After last night (being Saturday, as I write, in real time, not fake time), Cancellara is the winner of the ongoing Biggest Cock-Knocker competition, for his petulant demands that Cadel leave the breakaway group that Cancellara had belatedly joined AFTER Cadel basically created it, with Vladimir Efimkin a solid runner-up, for his embarrassing efforts in the breakaways all day, where he did NO WORK all that same day, and then tried to overtake his three fellow breakawayers in the last 3 kms, only to be beaten by ALL THREE of them at the line.
You Cock-Knocker.

I'm a Rock Star! AKA So let's all get in a (Rock) Fight

2009-07-09T16:47:00.005+10:00

This morning I read that the Government is considering banning people from climbing Uluru/Ayers Rock/Uberock (my personal invention and fave), prompting a wave of complaints: Uluru climb ban 'last thing tourism needs'
I used to think that, if I ever got to Uberock, I wouldn't climb it, out of respect for the traditional owners, and because I was self-righteous and judgmental.
However, I now think: It's just a big rock. Sure, the local aboriginal tribes believe it has religious and spiritual significance to them, such as that "during the time when the world was being formed, the Uluru climb was the traditional route taken by Mala men when they arrived at Uluru" or that it "was built up during the creation period by two boys who played in the mud after rain", but we now know about geology and tectonic movements and evolution and rocket ships, etc. Fact is, their religious beliefs are verifiably untrue. Quaint, yes. True, no.
And I say this to be fair as possible. If I'm going to trash on Judaeo-Christian myths and legends, I can't very well give the Aborigines a free pass, can I? No, you're right, I can't.
(Isn't it nice that I'm no longer self-righteous and judgmental?)
Anyhoo, the Government seems to have stepped away remarkably quickly, with call-back radio all a-flutter and this article appearing that afternoon: Climbdown? Uluru proposal sparks debate
That's because they know Australians are racist and don't care.
But I do.
And one day I'm going to climb it.
And get hit by lightning.

The Dude Abides

2009-07-07T19:04:00.003+10:00

The fact that something like this exists means for me that humanity is not beyond redemption: http://www.lebowskifest.com/
And don't even get me started on dudeist priests...
Gold.
And for something weird, I just found this:

Le Super-Tired

2009-07-06T11:13:00.002+10:00

Le Tour de France has begun!
Simon Gerrans was a surprise omission from Sastre's squad (methinks he was jealous of Gerrans' stage win in the Giro), but apart from that (oh yeah, and Contador's inclusion in Lance Armstrong's squad), it is ALL good.
Yes, EVERYTHING is good.
Oh - and Thomas Dekker getting done for taking EPO, despite not being on Cadel's team when the infraction occurred.
The time trial in Stage 1 around Monaco was great, with our man Cadel hangin' in there only 5 seconds behind Contador and Cancellara taking out a great win. Due to going out on Saturday night, I didn't see this until 5am, and, needless to say, Stage 2 was then tough to watch last night.
But that's ALL GOOD.
Because the Tour is back.
Bon chance, all!
Oh yeah, plus Allan Davis getting told to "Go Home" when Tom Boonen was brought back into his side was harsh, Quick Step, very harsh.
But it's ALL GOOD.
Note: If Contador wins a stage and does his finger pistol thing (instead of, say, pointing at his cock), I will punch the cushions on my couch SO hard.

Oh, when the Saints Go Over There!

2009-07-03T12:25:00.004+10:00

My lack of things to rant about didn't last long. Just found out that Raph Clarke has been named in the Saints squad to play Geelong on Sunday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
I was actually trying to search the net to see if Saints champion Matt "Goose" Maguire had finally been named to play with the seniors this week. I was virtually convinced that, with Max-y Hudghton out, Maguire would finally get recalled.
Instead, I read the bone-chilling news that all-round lower-case goose Raph Clarke had instead been given the job.
The only thing that guy has ever done right was be Xavier Clarke's brother. It's all been downhill since then. Whilst watching a game recently with fellow Saint, Joey Jo Jo Junior (Shabadoo), we agreed that it's a miracle that St Kilda can win any game whilst Raph Clarke is out on the field. When he's out there, it's like adding another player to the opposition's team. We could be 20 goals up, but if Raph Clarke then steps foot on the grass, it could all go Benjamin Button.
And before you think I'm being harsh, check out this, and this and this. That's right - I can selectively link to stuff to show I'm just part of the herd (although his 6 clangers from 7 disposals against North in Round 11 earlier this year speaks for itself).
But even putting Raph Clarke to one side, we've gotta get the Goose back out there. The guy's a dead-set legend (plus he's been a gun at Sandringham lately), and if we don't he may go to a team that actually gives him a game.
I'm not sure if the Saints coaching staff read this blog, so I just might need to put something in writing to them. They love advice like that.
Note: If Raph Clarke gets out on the paddock and plays well on Sunday, this post was a gag. Y'know - "Just messin' with ya, kid, you're all right!"

Because I said so

2009-07-02T17:50:00.003+10:00

No rants today, just some stuff I like (I'm getting soft - I actually like stuff!)
First - great song, with Bears:

Seeing these guys on July 27th at the Hi-Fi Bar. Sweet.
(If you're interested, there's a good explanation for the meaning behind the lyrics here. That rilestar guy blows my mind.)
Second, and in relation to some other stuff I posted a while ago, a classic Star Wars, SNL, O.C. mind-meld:

And that's all I've got for now. Put your feet up, relax. There's plenty of time for proper ranting later.
In the meantime, July the Second be with you (it works better on May 4th).

Who's Chasing the Chasers?

2009-07-01T18:07:00.003+10:00

Borat apparently.

Anyhoo, my recent sojourn meant I missed ranting about The Chaser's naughty episode a few weeks ago.

I actually didn't see that episode, the third in the series I think, mainly because the first two hadn't really been that funny.
Suffice to say, I also didn't think that the dying kids "sketch" was funny ... or necessary ... but I also have the exact same opinion about censorship. If someone makes a joke about dying kids and people are appalled and don't watch any more, as many wowsers who probably weren't watching before have said they will not, then the show will die a natural death and the market will have spoken. No need for the ABC to get all antsy/auntsy, and start firing people and pulling shows off the air.
Someone needs to tell them: "They're only wowsers, Aunty" (except for the people who have actually lost kids to a bad sketch (or whatever, I didn't see it, go ask your father)).

Anyhoo, the 2 week break seemed to do them some good, as I thought their first episode back from exile was eeeexcellent, Mr Burns'-style, much better than the dross they were serving up previously (be interesting to see how they go in tonight's episode).
A gem I thoroughly enjoyed was their lampooning of the Catholic Church's claim that excessive wealth is a sin:

Which brings to mind another recent event involving the Catholic Church, when the Victorian Supreme Court held that the finance arm of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd was "harsh, unreasonable and unnecessary" when it kicked some guy out of his home and sold his home out from under him.
They didn't need to - they were going to get their cash anyway - so I guess they just wanted to.

Ahhhh, Catholics. You guys* are Hilaaarious!

* Disclosure: I am nominally one of those guys, if you believe baptism scars a person ad infinitum.

Madden-ing

2009-06-29T13:28:00.003+10:00

Last week, the Honourable Justin Madden, Minister of Planning for Victoria, wrote an article in The Age "Opposition to a bigger Melbourne smacks of cultural snobbery", in which he railed against cultural elites, claiming only he had the knowledge and power to determine what was right for Melbourne.

I took umbrage, as did many others including Michael Leunig, and wrote him the following:

"Dear Mr Madden

I recently read your article "Opposition to a bigger Melbourne smacks of cultural snobbery" and thought that, since you basically represent the people of Victoria when it comes to planning issues, you might like to hear my diatribe in response to your own diatribe.

First, apart from the standard (and lame and lazy) tactic of accusing anyone who disagrees with them of being a latte-sipping, champagne*-swilling "cultural snob" (presumably because said antagonist might have a University degree and some intelligence), since when did the childhood experiences of one politician suffice for a justification of Government policy?

You also state that "Planning policy should be about the aspirations of individual Victorians." Really? I aspire to have an iPhone - is the Victorian Department of Transport going to help me out with that?

Instead, shouldn't planning policy be about ensuring that the city of Melbourne, indeed - the State of Victoria, operates in the best way for Victorians as a whole, irrespective of individual aspirations?

An idea I've been trying to put forward for a while - and I'm pretty sure I stole it from someone else, so I know I'm not the only one - is that the Government should start putting money into our regional cities, like Ireland apparently did with cities like Galway. The fact is, Melbourne is sprawling - it's a-sprawling! - and the planning answer shouldn't be "newly arrived people should have a choice to live on the city fringes". By all means, provide more services to the city fringes, but someone has to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. In fact, someone did do that: your Government, with the "Melbourne 2030" planning boundaries your Government now wants to get rid of.

The Government should realise that it is unsustainable to simply let more and more people move into Melbourne's surrounding countryside. In particular, where are these people going to get their water? And no-one has been fooled into thinking that removing Connex will fix the public transport system.

An obvious alternative is to invest in Victoria's regional cities - especially ones that can be self-sustaining. I'm thinking here of cities or towns on or near the coast, which can get their own water supply going. Since you also seem fond of making policy decisions on the basis of looking at a map, an ideal candidate would appear to be Wonthaggi. Assuming the Government's other bad policy of installing an enormous desalination plant near Wonthaggi gets up, Wonthaggi will have a great water supply right next door. Rather than burning more coal to pipe that water to Melbourne, how much easier and more efficient to pipe it to Wonthaggi a few kilometres down the road? Get some jobs and infrastructure going down there, and similar places, and you've got yourself a sustainable and popular planning policy."

I forgot to mention to Justin that, while he may have his Airport West experience to identify with the proletariat, my great-grandfather, from a mining family in the area, was killed in a drunken fight outside a pub in Wonthaggi. That's cred.

But for now, I'm thirsty, so I'm going to get myself a latte.

* Since it's now illegal to refer to any sparkling wine as "champagne" unless it comes from that particular region in France, I reckon we should start calling our sparkling "shampain". Different as. Spread the word.

Stating the obvious

2009-06-27T18:14:00.003+10:00

So, Connex is no longer in control of out trains, having lost the contract. Whoop-dee-doo, exclamation point.
Don't get me wrong - Connex was lame as, and had to go. But, as many people have been pointing out, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, ad latin, Melbourne's public transport won't be fixed by simply replacing the operator. The Victorian Government is the one really at fault, and those involved will no doubt be hoping that the Victorian public will (a) think they are improving things, rather than (b) punish them at the ballot box.
Fat chance.
It's (b) time.
As RMIT transport academic Paul Mees was reported to have said, the operators were not the problem: "While Connex and Yarra Trams will be no loss, replacing them while leaving the system of privatisation intact will change nothing..."
"The real problem is . . . that nobody is in overall charge of our rail system; nobody is accountable for its performance. Changing the brand name on the sides of the trains and trams won't fix any of these problems."
The sound-biteable Mr Mees is actually a critic of privatisation, bless him, and that's where the problem really lies, but as I've said before - the Government wants to be a step removed from running the public transport system, so they have their "plausible deniability", unquote (I know I already unquoted, I do what I want).
Even worse, although it's common knowledge that the Victorian Government LOVES roads and HATES trains, I had no idea that the Department of Transport, to trick people into thinking that it is independent and objective, simply makes shit up so that rail looks almost as expensive as roads.
If any of you political hacks actually involved in this decepticonation are reading this, just to confirm your own suspicions of self-loathing, you suck SO hard.

I was going to start on the Government's failure on the water stuff, but I'm tired.
Oh, so tired.
Newsflash: Government sucks on water stuff. More to come.

The Twits

2009-06-25T16:59:00.003+10:00

OK. I've been offline for a while, and, no, it's not because I've been in hiding after my Last Post, and, yes, it's because I've been boycotting the blogosphere whilst The Sirmarco Letters were also offline*.
But The Sirmarco Letters are back up and running, and I haven't been taking my Rant-Acid tablets, so it's time to LET LOOSE.
I've saved up a rantastic amount of bile, and will commence placing said bile on the interwebs very shortly.
In the meantime, against my better judgment ("you mean there's BETTER judgment?!?!"), I've finally jumped onboard the Twitter-Wagon as a means of mini-tweeting my Rants. Well, mini-tweeting, anyway. Check it at https://twitter.com/rilestar.
rilestar out
*No, it's not. It's probably due to a predilection for procrastination...but I don't have time to work out the reasons at the moment. Maybe later. Boom-boom.

The (Broken) Promised Land

2009-04-14T17:41:00.000+10:00

Those who read this blog will know of my moderate beliefs - including that Religion is Poison - but the subject of Israel really gets my goat.
For the record, I understand it's a complex situation, and I'm not really taking any particular side (unless there's an atheist side I haven't been told about). But a recent article in the New York Times by George Bisharat, a professor at the University of California Hastings College of the Law, does not put the Israeli Jewish side (not to be confused with the Jewish people as a whole) in a good light. He begins by saying:

"CHILLING testimony by Israeli soldiers substantiates charges that Israel’s Gaza Strip assault entailed grave violations of international law. The emergence of a predominantly right-wing, nationalist government in Israel suggests that there may be more violations to come. Hamas’s indiscriminate rocket attacks on Israeli civilians also constituted war crimes, but do not excuse Israel’s transgressions."

He then goes on to list the specific offences, including the deliberate targeting of civilians and use of white phosphorous, and concludes that the Israeli political and military personnel who planned, ordered or executed these possible offenses should face criminal prosecution.
And if that's not enough to get stuck in your craw, here's two more words: Mordechai Vanunu. No, it's not an exotic spicy dish (though it sounds delicious), but the name of an Israeli Traitor/World Peace Hero (depending on which side you take, and I'm clearly taking a side in this case), who exposed Israel's secret nuclear program in 1986. According to an Easter article I just read in The Age ("A Defiant Spirit"), he has spent most of the time since then in jail, and now, even though he has been released, is prohibited from leaving Israel or talking to journalists.
This, to me, seems unfair to say the least and, dare I say it, especially unjust and undemocratic.
Now, before you start getting all Uncle Leo on me, just because I'm against disproportionate aggression by a majority against a minority (or its own people who display moral courage) doesn't mean I'm anti-Semitic (I've always said I'm quite in favour the Semite tribes, such as the Hyksos, the Jews and, of course, the Arabs). And I only like the Jewish Conspiracy not because I think it's true, but because I would love to live in a world run by the likes of Jon Stewart, Andy Samberg, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld (if not Woody Allen).
Also, my great, great, great, great grandfather was Jewish, so, y'know, they're my people.
But a war crime is a war crime.
Plus, the whole justification for kicking the Palestinians out of their homes and then bombing them for 50 or 60 years seems a little spurious to me. The main justification being that the Jews were there first and it's their "promised land" (this justification is not only put forward by Israelis, but also, more obnoxiously I think, some evangelical Christians in the US, who believe in the literal truth of Bible and who think they can hasten Armageddon if the Jews are allowed to return to their land).
With that in mind, here's a quick Rant O'Clock history of Jerusalem and the Holy Land.
The original occupants, or at least the ones before the Jews, were actually the Canaanites (maybe we should give it back to them?). Around about 1500 BC, give or take (due to the lack of whadayacallit... evidence!), the Jewish people escaped from Egypt and proceeded attacking and slaughtering the locals, all supposedly with the approval of their genocidal and racist God. King David took over Jerusalem around 1000 BC, and his descendants ruled the surrounding lands for the next 400 or so years, until the Babylonians attacked, wiping out most of the northern part of the kingdom (Israel), and carrying off those in the southern kingdom (Judah) to exile in Babylon (hence the song). Most scholars think this is when most of the Bible (or, at least, the Old Testament) was actually written (or, at least, put down in something approximating its current form), when the Jewish people longed after their lost lands, and they were also able to adopt/steal a lot of Babylonian legends, such as Adam and Eve, and the Flood.
They were eventually allowed to return to their lands (by the Persians, who handed the Babylonians their Babylonian arses), but were then progressively conquered by such Empires as Alexander the Great's Greeks, and, of course, those wacky Romans.
The Jews had a falling out with their Roman overlords, and were eventually banned from entering Jerusalem from around about when the Romans razed the city, along with their precious Temple (this one having been built by King Herod only relatively recently), in 70AD, until it was conquered by the Muslims in the 7th century. During most of the intervening time it was an important Christian city (probably the most important), and the home of many important Byzantine buildings.
Ironically, it was the Muslims who let the Jews back in after they took over, in AD 638, but obviously it was a very important city for them, too - the third holiest city in Islam after Mecca and Medina - and has remained so ever since.
Subject to a few conquerings and re-conquerings by the Crusaders, it then remained a Muslim city until the Ottoman Turks were defeated in World War I, and the British managed it as part of their Palestinian Protectorate.
So, although I'm prepared to admit that this part of the Middle East, and Jerusalem, were legitimately won by the war-mongering Jews of around 3000 years ago, for the last 2000 years it's been the home of many, many other people. Incidentally, in that time the Romans took over Britain from the local Celts, though they were in turn defeated by the Anglo-Saxons, who were then defeated by the Normans. Also, for most of that same 2000-year period, the land comprising the United States of America was controlled by various Native American people (and, for that matter, the only people living in Australia during most of that time were the Australian Aborigines). The Slavs didn't move into Europe until the 6th or 7th century, the Magyars didn't move into Hungary until the late 9th century, Ghengis Khan had sex with many, many women.
So very many.
And so on and so forth.
In light of this, assuming we want to be consistent, are we going to allow all of the people who can trace descent to those original inhabitants to move back to those countries (and then subjugate the people already living there)? Of course not (mostly because I mentioned Britain, the US and Australia, for one thing, and the indigenous people in those whitebread countries are getting diddly-squat).
That said, after the tragic events of World War II and the Holocaust (not to mention the anti-semtitism that was endemic in most of Europe before then ... apart from the Muslim controlled areas, of course), it made sense to allow Jewish people to have a homeland of their own where they could feel safe. Palestine/Israel probably made as much sense as anywhere else (if not more).
I'm just saying they shouldn't bomb civilians and kick them out of their houses for no compensation.
So, what's the solution?
First - Jerusalem is clearly an international city with international problems, and it should be under international jurisdiction. This was actually the plan after World War II, but when the 1948 "War" broke out, the British made like the French and ran away screamng like ladyboyz, leaving the city solely for the Israelis.
To divert your attention from the many different cultures I just insulted in that last sentence, allow me a digression which is not a digression. I'm currently reading a book called "From the Holy Mountain", by William Dalrymple, a fascinating tale about his journey from Greece and Turkey, through the Middle East and to Egypt, retracing the steps of John Moschos, a Byzantine monk who wrote about his travels and the people and places of those lands in the late 6th century. Mister Dalrymple's interviews with the Christians still living in Jerusalem are quite shocking - despite the fact many of them have an unbroken history in Jerusalem going back over 1500 years, the Jewish authorities are apparently keen to highlight any Jewish connection to the city whilst sweeping any other group's connections with the ancient city under the archaeological carpet:

"There have long been accusations that Israeli archaeologists have a tendency to excavate not so much to illuminate the general history of the region as to uncover their own history, in some cases allegedly digging through and discarding as irrelevant the intervening Turkish, Arab and Byzantine layers. Indeed, to Israel's great credit, many of the fiercest criticisms of this political bias have come from Israeli liberals incensed at what they regarded as the right-wing nationalistic bias of the country's archaeological establishment. In 1992 the Jerusalem-based archaeologist Shulamit Giva accused Israeli Biblical archaeology as being 'a tool in the hands of the Zionist movement [attempting] to find a connection between the ancient history of the Land of Israel and the historic occurrence of the [modern] State of Israel'... Other liberal Israelis have attacked the way the history of the region is presented to tourists. The former deputy mayor of Jerusalem, Meron Benvinisti, himself a respected historian of the Crusader period, has attacked the bias in the Tower of David Museum of the History of Jerusalem, the principal museum of the Old City. 'After the Israelite period,' commented Benvinisti, 'the written text informs us that the city was occupied by foreigners. Describing them as foreigners emphasises the exclusivist character of the museum's perspective - only the Israeli-Jewish claim to the city is granted legitimacy. In fact the Israelite period only lasted six hundred years, but all the periods which followed it are represented as a chain of occupations - Persian, Byzantine, Mameluke, Ottoman and British.'"

See? The Israelis are ALL RIGHT - people like Shulamit and Meron have got it goin' on! That's what I've been saying all along!!!
But I think the rest of the world, not to mention the non-Jewish residents of Jerusalem, deserves a Jerusalem run by a more open-minded administration. I imagine the only people against Christians being treated fairly in Jerusalem would be Christian evangelicals...
Secondly, the people who have been kicked out of their homes - many within living memory - have a right to live somewhere other than a refugee camp. And they should probably receive some kind of compensation. The two-state solution currently being put forward by the US would go some of the way towards allowing this. And the US is in a unique position to ensure it becomes a reality. In fact, I would wager that the US could put a halt to violence in Israel in a heartbeat - at least, from the Israeli side - by simply turning off the military aid taps (currently around $3 billion a year). Maybe some of that money could even be diverted to be given directly as compensation to the Palestinians, since no-one else seems willing to acknowledge the issue.
I'm sure we would see the right-wing, nationalist Israelis come to the negotiating table a lot more quickly should these suggestions be put forward...
Plus, Obama could save some cash. Republicans like that that, don't they? At least, they used to, before that Bush guy...
OK. So now I've solved the Middle East problem, Israelis and Palestinians will be living side-by-side harmoniously, Islamic terrorists both in Israel and abroad will chill the fuck out, and everyone lives happily ever after.
What other problems can I now solve?

And another thing...

2009-04-12T11:40:00.004+10:00

Looks like those clowns in dresses have been doing it again. What a pack of clowns.
Since we've just been talking about Christians, let's also talk about one of their favourite topics: condoms.
Recently, the head of the illustrious Catholic Church, El Papa (or La Papa - I always get those two confused), said in a visit to Africa that the scourge of HIV could be made WORSE, not better, by the distribution of condoms: Condom row clouds Pope's visit. And, on Good Friday, Archbishop George Pell joined in the Pope's choru s.
I find it laughable that a bunch of men who never have sex (at least, not with adult females), seem to think that they have any authority whatsoever to dictate to people about their sexual lives - especially impoverished people in the Sub-Saharan desert. Especially when what they say is demonstrably wrong.
Plus, I know for a fact that Jesus didn't say the word "condom" once. He hung out with prostitutes, for Christos' sake! He certainly didn't tell gentiles how they should copulate.
Not to mention the fact that THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET. We humans are headed for an ecological disaster of our own making, and allowing people to have sex without fear of pregnancy (or death) seems like a pretty good idea. If God is so against it (assuming He's got the time to check out what people are doing in their bedrooms or mudhuts), let him sort it out with them later.
Leave the rest of us THE FUCK ALONE.
And, uh, Happy Eostre.

Happy Eostre!

2009-04-12T10:47:00.004+10:00

With (a) many, many mass shootings happening in the US for some reason (the most recent, in New York State, the worst “since 16 April, 2007”), and (b) it being Easter, I thought it was high time to revisit President Obama’s comment about some American people clinging to their guns and religion.
Actually, these very two things – guns and religion – hilariously came together in a wacky incident at a shooting range in Florida, when a mother shot her SON in the back of the head and then killed herself, because she thought she was the Anti-Christ. Her suicide notes stated "I had to send my son to heaven and myself to hell" and that she had to do it in a public way so the world could also be saved: "Hopefully when I die, there will 1,000 years of peace."
Nutcase.
Religious nutcase.
But anyway, have a happy Easter and eat lots of chocolate eggs left by the Easter bunny in memory of the crucifixion and supposed resurrection of one Yeshua Mashiah (you might know him as "Jesus" the Messiah or "Christ". Or perhaps "Jeebus"). If you do believe in the resurrection of Yeshua, just one question. Who found that his body had been removed from the tomb: was it just Mary Magdelene, or a group of five women? You see, the answer depends on which Gospel you read - Mark: two Marys and Salome, Matthew: two Marys (note to self: good name for a cocktail), Luke: five women including the two Marys and Salome, John: Mary Magdelene alone. Not very helpful considering it's probably the most important event in Christianity (e.g., Pauls' words in his first letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 15, Verses 14 to 17), particularly for those who believe the Bible is the literal word of God.
For an omnipotent being, he sure struggles to keep his facts straight.
And we can keep playing this game, too. For example, had the stone in front of the tomb been rolled away before the women/woman got there ("Yes" for Matthew, "No" for Mark)? Was there an angel (or angels) there? Did Jesus ascend into heaven and, if so, did he get on with it the same day as the resurrection (Luke), or 40 days later (actually, Luke again, but writing the Acts of the Apostles).
Ahhh, such fun.
Still - Happy Eostre, everyone!

World's most liveable city(s)

2009-04-08T09:04:00.006+10:00

I love Melbourne (even though it is called "Melbourne" and not "Batmania" as originally proposed). But it's getting too big - it's one of the largest cities in the world by land area, with an urban sprawl to rival Los Angeles. The transport system is breaking down, we're syphoning off water from rural Victoria at a time when they need it more than we do, and more and more bogans are bashing each other, and others, in the city.
It's unsustainable, a view reiterated by Sally Capp, the chief executive of the Committee for Melbourne, in an article in The Age today: "The Australian dream of how we live is due for a revamp". The "Melbourne@5 million" plan she talks about, which proposes six new centres for Melbourne, in addition to the CBD, being Frankston, Dandenong, Ringwood, Box Hill North, Broadmeadows and Footscray, is a good start (especially if they support it with a train line running around between those areas as well). But it still involves building up Melbourne even more.
A while ago, I read of an idea to emulate Ireland's plan to focus on building up its regional cities, such as Galway and Waterford, rather than just Dublin. While this idea is unlikely to find a lot of support amongst Victoria's Melbourne-centric politicians, it makes a huge amount of sense. It seems Australia is unique in having a few huge cities spread out across a continent the size of Europe or the US, and then lots of tiny unresourced ones.
SO I'm putting it out there, sycophantic yes-men and faceless bureaucrats: it's time to focus on building up the rest of Victoria (people respond well to being called "sycophantic yes-men and faceless bureaucrats", don't they?). I'm thinking towns like Warrnambool, Wonthaggi and Wodonga, as well as towns that don't start with "W": like Sale, Portland, maybe Lakes Entrance. Put money into these towns and provide opportunities for work (particularly Government work). More jobs and infrastructure equals more people attracted to those areas equals less people in Melbourne equals less clogged roads and less need for water and energy equals something-something. It'll be better for everyone.
That said, I don't plan on leaving Melbourne, but then again I drink lattes and live in the inner city.
PS When I originally typed in the heading for this post, I accidentally wrote "World's moist liveable city(s)" and it made me snigger immaturely.

Back on the rant-wagon

2009-03-27T17:21:00.005+11:00

All right, the longer I put this off, the more likely I will release the considerable energy locked up in my atoms in the form of some kind of explosion.
First up, here's a little missive I recently sent to one of our representative geese in the Senate.

Dear Senator Fielding
Regarding your recent opposition to the Government’s alcopops tax increase, I need to ask you a question: Are you serious? Actually, since I’m from Victoria and you theoretically represent Victoria, I need to ask another one: Are you for real?!?
I thought you and your Christian Brothers were all for reducing excessive alcohol consumption, particularly in relation to our youth. These sugary drinks are now expected to drop in price by $2 each, which can only encourage increased consumption.
Although it may not have gone as far as you would like, the Government’s tax increase was basically good policy (in light of the existing taxation of alcohol, anyway). Apart from directly targeting these types of drinks, it was actually fixing up a discrepancy between the taxation of full spirits and these spirit-based drinks. Plus there were the extra measures added after negotiations with the Greens and Nick Xenophon (who I think is your one-eyebrowed baby). It was what is known as a no-brainer.
Demanding that all alcohol advertising be removed from sporting broadcasts, seemingly on a whim, from nowhere, MAY be good policy. But that needs to looked at carefully. Policy on the run is never good.
In addition, do I need to point out that the Government got many, many more votes than you? Of course, the fact that the ALP’s preferences got you in IS pretty funny, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, you’re also looking a little bit funny, now, too. Bit of a joke, you know? It's not just me; see, for example, "Imbalance of power" in The Age on 22 March and "Lower alcopops levy lets us drink to a simpler tax system" in The Australian on 26 March (if you don't read that one, you were referred to as a "goose"). This petulant foot-stamping has probably done your cause more harm than good.
We could also blame the Opposition who voted against the measure en masse for apparently no reason, but you’ve become the scapegoat in this charade. People like a scapegoat.
Anyway, um, best of luck.
Regards
Riley

Ahhhh. I feels good to rant again.
By the way, if you also would like to contact this gentleman - go for it: senator.fielding@aph.gov.au
Now, what else has been happening?

Land of the free to bear arms and kill your own family!

2009-01-31T22:21:00.004+11:00

Yay, America!
Adding to the many GFC*-related suicides by formerly wealthy people, now a "nice guy" in LA has shot and killed his wife and five children before killing himself: 'Fatal fax: 'nice guy' snaps and kills family'
How long before the NRA tries to muscle its way into the debate about this incident? Because, whatever Chuck Heston thought, people like this shouldn't have guns lying around their home - all the stats show** that a gun is more likely to kill the gun's owner or a family member than a would-be robber or road-rage recipient. I understand this guy was upset and saw no way out, but if he didn’t have ready access to a gun, do you really think he would have, say, stabbed his family to death with a knife?
Plus, I reckon religion needs to take some of the blame here - and not just because I think religion should usually take some of the blame: he finished a letter he wrote just before committing this cowardly deed with "Oh lord my god is there no hope for a widow's son." I’m positive this guy thought he was going to an afterlife, as many Americans do - harps and all, and perhaps managed to con his kids into going along with it because they would all be together in “a better place”.
Problem is, there is no afterlife. Just a bunch of dead kids and his huge mess to clean up in this one.
* GFC in this context is referring to the Global Financial Crisis, not the Geelong Football Club.
** I know that 73% of statistics are made up (just like that one).

Here comes the sun

2009-01-28T18:05:00.003+11:00

Before I rant up about moving house and Foxtel and stupid stupids, I think it’s appropriate, on this exhaustingly sunny, 43° Celsius day (109.4° Fahrenheit for those of you still living in the Imperial Past), to draw attention to our collective Governments’ (Federal and State and probably Local and let’s include Galactic, too) failure to tap into this nigh-inexhaustible power source. By which I mean the Sun, silly.

Just yesterday (when it was a meagre 38° Celsius) I read about my country’s lack of investment in and encouragement for renewable energy sources.

Oystein Oyehaug, renewables chief of Norwegian solar cell manufacturer UMOE, was reported to have said it was "amazing" that the Australian economy remained so reliant on old industry favourites such as coal and iron ore mining. "In the long term you should be doing more than mining for the Chinese.”

Great line.

The article goes on to point out that Australia “now risks being outshone even by the US, with new President Barack Obama declaring his aim of doubling renewable energy production in three years.”

The US?

Have we fallen that far?

Whilst on this (and I know I've made comments on this before, but it, like, hasn't been fixed, yet), late last year Tim Colebatch pointed out that the Rudd Government's emissions trading scheme will likely result in Australia pumping out more emissions in 2020 than we do now.

Good one, fellas (and lady).

So. Libs – duds. Labor – duds. Democrats – demoduds. Greens? Dare I hope?

Or should I just make a prediction that ends in “duds”?

Bye-bye, Bush

2009-01-21T21:52:00.003+11:00

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out - because Obama won't like ass-prints on his new door.
PS I moved house over the Exmas break, and I've been saving up all my rant juice for a big tirade about the horrendous experience soon, my pretties...

A week in the life...

2008-12-21T13:15:00.005+11:00

This week, Ben Cousins was drafted by Richmond, instead of St Kilda, as he should have been. I struggle to see how we can possibly meet our Drug Addict Cap without him.
But seriously - with the loss of Harves, Cousins would have been a nice consolation prize. Who can possibly step into Banger's shoes now?
And take drugs?
Anyhoo - kudos, Tiges, and good luck.
In other news, a few nice moments from this week’s papers.
First, this from Catherine Deveny, "Most people are idiots - even the ones who agree with me", in which she laments what she sees as a general lack of genuine opinion and ability to engage in serious discussion:

"A woman accosted me the other day and said "I love your writing because I agree with everything you say." That's not a good reason to like someone's writing. There's stuff that's well written that I don't agree with. And stuff that's badly written that I think is right on the money. "He's a crap writer because I don't agree with what he says." What? How threatened are you? "She's a great writer because I agree with everything she says." The fragile ego is fickle and easily stroked...
They say it's impolite to discuss sex, politics and religion. Stuff that. They're the only things worth talking about.
If someone asks for your opinion, chances are they don't want it. They want their opinion. In the same way if a woman asks "Does my bum look big in this?" The answer is always no."

And then there was this gold nugget from Michael Evans, reminiscing about 2008:

"It was the year brokers picked the market bottom with so little accuracy they needed the help of John Hopoate."

Hopoate jokes will never stale.
Finally, the annual Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal has been released, with studies including the negative effects of headbanging as a result of the empirical evidence provided by Beavis and Butthead and Wayne's World:

"The researchers suggest "possible interventions" such as substituting adult-oriented rock such as Michael Bolton, Celine Dion or Enya.
"For example, encouraging bands such as AC/DC to play songs like Moon River... (and) public awareness campaigns with influential and youth-focused musicians such as Cliff Richard."
Associate Professor McIntosh told The Age that the "science is good" because he applied methods used to study sport and motor vehicle accidents."

The fact that "each year serious news outlets fall for the straight-faced press releases put out by the journal in advance of publication, and write them up as fact" cheers me immensely.
Also, found some more blogs to Follow, especially that of The Local Taphouse in St Kilda, and that of Professor Pilsner and the Beer Blokes, who frequent said establishment.
Oh yeah, and in case I don't see ya, Merry Ex-Mas.

Let's believe in nonsense so we can all be offended!

2008-12-18T17:05:00.006+11:00

I just read yesterday that Aborigines have been jumping up and down about Nicole Kidman blowing (poorly) on a didgeridoo on a German variety show: Kidman's TV stunt offends
Which brings me to today's particularly un-PC rant: Why are primitive sexist customs considered sacrosanct?
Let's look at this like rational human beings: we are assured that women are prohibited from blowing the didgeridoo.
OK. Why?
Is it because women have traditionally been subjugated by men? Or perhaps something to do with ancient myths and legends about the dreamtime or a big rainbow serpent (e.g., I’ve heard that some Aborigines believe if a woman blows on a didgeridoo she can become infertile), that science can now prove are demonstrably wrong? Oh!! Well, in that case, let’s keep the sexism going then.
Nicole: please stop offending people living in make-believe land by playing the didgeridoo and go back to offending them with your acting.
PS Nah, but seriously Nicole, you’re all right.

Meredith Mud Festival

2008-12-17T17:36:00.004+11:00

I heart the Meredith Music Festival. I heart it very much. It is truly the best festival in our great land, and possibly the world. The music, the people, the place, the cans (no glass) are all RIGHT.
Unfortunately, I haven't been for a few years - coincidentally, I also had children a few years ago. But my wife and I planned to finally return to Meredith this year. We were successful in the online ballot. We purchased our tickets. The kids would be dropped off in Geelong (at their grandparents' place, not just randomly dropped off in a regional city on the way). We were going to make a glorious comeback.
And then it all got too hard and we sold our tickets on eBay on Thursday, just in time for some lucky punters to head down on Friday night.
Soaking, soaking Friday night.
Turns out we dodged a very wet bullet: Too big for its gumboots? Meredith festival gets a muddy mosh-pit
It absolutely poured for the entire weekend. In the meantime, we were indoors, doing high-fives. We were going to head out to the Collingwood Children's Farm for the Farmer's Market, but had to cancel due to the downpour, which was a bit of a letdown. But, on the other hand, we weren't caked in mud, and didn't lose our shoes.
That said, apparently Nick had fun at Meredith.
I don't know who Nick is.
This guy also has some good photos.
Nonetheless, not really too many regrets.
What I DO regret, is missing Ween at Golden Plains earlier this year. Although I saw them at the Forum the previous night, Ween in the Supernatural Ampitheatre just seems RIGHT. Here's a bit of them, for your total viewing pleasure:

Incidentally, when I was searching for reviews about this latest 2008 MMF, I came across this one. It wasn't until I was half-way through, when I saw the reference to the Dirty Three, that I thought: "Hang on. I was at that Meredith..." The review was for the 2004 MMF, which also featured a bit of storm action, the last one I went to. I obviously didn't recognise most of the bands, despite being there and (probably) watching them.
And isn't that really what Meredith is all about?
Next year, Aunty, next year.

The Wong Plan

2008-12-16T20:33:00.005+11:00

Lazy title, I know, but Labor have really dropped the ball with their climate change plan, released Monday.
As Tim Colebatch, Economics Editor of The Age, said: "AFTER all that, we are more or less back where we started. The Rudd model for tackling climate change now looks remarkably similar to the Howard model from 2007."
Lame, Kevin, lame. And I told him, and Penny Wong and Peter Garrett, so:

Dear Mr Rudd (et al)

This is a very quick bit of feedback about your Government's climate change plan.

Basically - it's lame. REAL lame.

People didn't vote for you to get a lite version of Johnny Howard (actually some may have, but they're lame, too). Climate change represents a real crisis, and some people (preferably the high-polluters) may need to experience some hurt now, so that a whole swag of people don't feel it later.

The climate change plan should encourage real change in attitudes and energy usage and production. It seems that your Government's plan simply redistributes wealth, with a bit of "how's it goin'" on the side. In particular, the cent-for-cent reduction in petrol excise is simply bad policy - and very close to bad Liberal policy at that. If petrol causes global warming - and it does - then the price should go up (and, in fact, it's now a lot lower than it was when the Green Paper was first introduced, anyway). Simple.

I ask that you reconsider this plan, in particular the hand-outs to the big polluters. They must change - and if some of them are dinosaurs, then we (especially the taxpayers) should allow them pass away, so that the new generation of energy users and producers can take their place.

Yours faithfully

Riley Jones

If you also want to get involved, maybe check out the Australian Conservation Foundation's website.
And, seriously: “$4.4 billion will be spent to cut petrol taxes by as much as emissions trading raises fuel prices.”
Mental.

Television - the drug of my children

2008-12-13T23:21:00.003+11:00

A lot of people say that too much television is bad for children (or, indeed, anyone), but a courageous few believe that television can actually help children - television programs can educate, display the wider world, show what it would be like to interact with other human beings if that ever comes up, and, of course, keep them quiet when they're being annoying.
So we bravely subscribe to the idea that television can be a good thing for our kids (and also Foxtel).
However, just today my son did something for the third time and referred to it as the "third episode". Also, when he wants to repeat something that he has enjoyed like, say, being thrown dangerously high in the air, he has been known to ask us to "rewind that".
But still.
Courage.

Riley: 1, Governor-General: Nil

2008-12-09T15:57:00.011+11:00

I originally started this blog with the idea of reprinting some of my rants for public consumption, including older ones, so I thought I'd go back to the future and find a few of my golden oldies (incidentally, also the name of my boxer shorts). This one below is actually one of my favourites.
You see, a few years ago (and you may not remember this), Australia joined with a few other countries in invading Iraq. I know every man and his dog-hawk are piping up with claims that they knew this would be a fiasco long before everyone else, but, like, I totally knew this would be a fiasco before everyone else.
I was quite involved in the anti-war efforts, and one thing I did was send an e-mail to the Governor-General of Australia, which sparked an exchange. This is what started it:

-----Original Message-----
From: Riley Jones
Sent: Wednesday, 15 January 2003 17:38
To: governor-general@gg.gov.au
Subject: The War on Iraq

Dear Sir

I have just CC’d you on an e-mail I sent to every Liberal and National politician sitting in the Australian Parliament as well as the other leaders of the major parties. I feel very strongly about this issue and believe that the politicians who represent ordinary Australians need to know how we feel about our government lying to us and, potentially, sending Australian citizens off to die in a war for American oil interests.

I urge you to read the article by Scott Burchill and to use your powers as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces to stop this lunacy. The Governor General has great power and with that comes great responsibility. I hate to say it, but if you do not act, it is the same as pulling the trigger.

Thanks for your time.

Yours faithfully

Riley Jones

PS I have also attached a document detailing the countries that have acted in contravention of UN resolutions, other than Iraq.

Do you like the Spiderman reference? By the by, the article by Scott Burchill I was referring to was "Counterspin: Pro-war mythology" (originally published 14 Jan 2003).
I then received this reply:

-----Original Message-----
From: Government House [mailto:governor-general@gg.gov.au]
Sent: Monday, 20 January 2003 4:14 PM
To: Riley Jones
Subject: RE: The War on Iraq

Dear Mr Jones

Thank you for your e-mails of 15 January 2003 to the Governor-General expressing your concerns about the possibility of Australia’s involvement in war in Iraq.

Dr Hollingworth appreciates the time and trouble you have taken writing to him about your views.

In relation to your reference to the Governor-General and the armed forces, his role as Commander-In Chief is largely ceremonial or “titular.”

Dr Hollingworth shares the widespread hope that the issues involving Iraq can be resolved through peaceful means. Any decision on the commitment of Australian Forces to the War on Terrorism is, however, under Australian constitutional arrangements, a matter for decision by the elected government of the day.

Yours sincerely

Kevin Davidson

Senior Adviser to the Governor-General

So I opened up a can of Constitution-Ass:

-----Original Message-----
From: Riley Jones
Sent: Monday, 20 January 2003 16:49
To: Government House
Subject: RE: The War on Iraq

Dear Mr Davidson

Thankyou for your reply to my letter and I am pleased to hear that Dr Hollingworth took the time to consider my views. I am also pleased to hear that he hopes that the “issues involving Iraq” can be resolved by peaceful means. I would be even more pleased if he was to make this view public.

With regard to your reply, while I appreciate that the Governor-general’s role is seen as being ceremonial or titular, being a lawyer and having studied constitutional law, I know that is not what our constitution states.

Section 68 of the constitution states: “The command in chief of the naval and military forces of the Commonwealth is vested in the Governor-General as the Queen's representative.”

The government, that is, the party with a majority of seats in the House of representatives, has the power to make laws with respect to “The naval and military defence of the Commonwealth and of the several States, and the control of the forces to execute and maintain the laws of the Commonwealth“ under section 51(vi) of the Constitution.

The executive powers of the government are then exercised by the governor-general and her majesty’s ministers, as enunciated in section 61 of the consititution: “The executive power of the Commonwealth is vested in the Queen and is exercisable by the Governor-General as the Queen's representative, and extends to the execution and maintenance of this Constitution, and of the laws of the Commonwealth.”

Clearly the legislators who drafted the constitution did not see the Governor-General’s role as merely ceremonial, whatever today’s politicians may try to lead us to believe. We can also see that the military forces of our “ally”, the United States, are being directed by our Governor-General’s counterpart – President Bush. Just because tradition dictates that the Governor-General should not use his (or her) power, does not mean that the power does not exist. 1975 taught that to us all.

I would like to reiterate my request to the Governor-General to use his powers on behalf of the Australian people to save us from the actions of a government that appears intent on placing us all in danger.
Thanks again for your time.

Yours faithfully

Riley Jones

What a smarmy bastard that Riley guy is.
And did I win him over? Well...not exactly:

-----Original Message-----
From: Government House [mailto:governor-general@gg.gov.au]
Sent: Friday, 24 January 2003 1:25 PM
To: Riley Jones
Subject: RE: The War on Iraq

Dear Mr Jones

Thank you for your e-mail of 20 January 2003. I can only reiterate my previous advice that decisions on the Contingent deployment of members of the Australian Defence Force is a matter for the elected government of the day.

Yours sincerely

Kevin Davidson

Senior Adviser to the Governor-General

Oh really?
The final reply from Riley, to the Governor-General of Australia, the representative of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

Whatever.

Oh yes. The Governor-General felt the burn that day.

Epilogue:
Of course, my efforts were all wasted (unless you've enjoyed this exchange right now in the present day, and I suspect you haven't): Australia invaded Iraq, no WMDs were found, our troops are still there, and Peter Hollingworth resigned under a sex scandal cloud (possibly the worst kind of cloud) a couple of months later.
Still, I regard it as a win.

BAM!!

Robert Mugabe: Shark Jumper

2008-12-01T18:55:00.004+11:00

I'm calling it!
Robert Mugabe's crass, impolite and...oh yeah...ridiculously murderous and insane regime has finally jumped the shark.
Zimbabwe's former hero turned super-villain has reportedly started arresting his own soldiers because they've been causing a ruckus, I think yelling stuff like "We GOTS to get paid!": Mugabe arrests soldiers
Phew! Not long now. The guy's a clown - one of the scary ones, like Crazy Joe Divola - and needs to go down.

A Rose by any other name...would still be bit of a tool...

2008-11-28T14:04:00.009+11:00

So Axl Rose has finally released the next Guns N'Roses album - Chinese Democracy.
Although the album has been causing problems in China for some reason, it's been causing even more problems in the Greatest Democracy on Earth.
Seems that the good people at Dr Pepper, amused at the amount of time it was taking Axl to release said album, issued a challenge back in March this year, offering to provide everyone in America with a cool can of Dr Pepper if the album was released before the end of 2008.
Because he actually did it, Dr Pepper provided people with an opportunity to download a voucher to get access to one of these prized cans, for a limited time. Seems fair enough in this modern age.
However, according to the New York Times ("Dr Pepper and Rocker in a War of Hype"):

"The arrangement irked fans, who took to the Internet with stories of being blocked for hours from the site and a related customer-service phone line. And that irked Mr. Rose."

So, "Mr. Rose" (if that IS your real name...which it's kinda not but kinda is) then took the logical next step:

"On Tuesday his lawyers sent a harshly worded letter to the soft drink maker complaining of its “appalling failure to make good on a promise it made to the American public,” and demanding a public apology, more time for thirsty fans, and payment for piggybacking on the “Chinese Democracy” publicity."

The lawyers also asked that Dr Pepper run apologetic full-page ads in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times and other papers, giving customers more time to receive their free soda.
Apparently, similar sentiments spread across Guns N’ Roses message boards:

“If they said they’d give a free can to everyone in America,” one fan wrote, “can they really put a one-day time limit on it? Seems like it’s something that if someone took to court they’d win.”

PLEASE!! I don't normally get legal on anyone's ass on this blog, but I feel I must take my glasses off this once (i.e., like Superman - he was a lawyer, wasn't he?): What cause of action would you bring, sirrah? Breach of contract? Sorry, buddy, for a contract, you’ve got to give something in return. About the only person who MIGHT be able to sue would be Axl Rose himself, and that’s assuming he accepted Dr Pepper’s offer and in return brought the album out by the end of the year in order to meet his end of the bargain. And there’s no indication that he did accept the offer. Certainly, he had no corresponding obligations if he hadn’t brought out the album in time, and it’s going to be tough to prove he’s done anything he wasn’t already going to do.
PLUS, what’s a can of Dr Pepper cost? A dollar?!? Go and buy one yourself, Dr Cheapskate!
That said, you should really drink Mr Pibb, because, when combined with Red Vines, it is indeed Crazy Delicious.
As an aside, I LOVED the Gunners in the 80's, and even a little bit into the 90's, though we all know things started to go south when Izzy left the band. I would still put Appetite for Destruction in my Top Ten Albums of all time. I even participated in the Calder Park debacle in 1993. However, I do not have high hopes for this album. No Slash and no Duff and no Izzy and no Steven Adler makes Axl something-something. But I doubt it's a good something-something.
Anyhoo, now that someone's raised the topic of Top Ten albums, here's mine, as at November 28th, 2008. These are albums that just work, from go to woah.

My Top Ten Albums Of All Time (in no particular order, and subject to change)
Appetite for Destruction – Guns’N’Roses
Chocolate and Cheese – Ween
Either/Or – Elliott Smith
Master of Puppets – Metallica
The Colour and the Shape – Foo Fighters
Odyssey Number Five – Powderfinger (what? Seriously, what?)
Surfer Rosa/Come on Pilgrim – Pixies (it was one album in Australia)
OK Computer – Radiohead
Going Blank Again – Ride
Superunknown – Soundgarden (I know Badmotorfinger is probably cooler, but Superunknown is a great album, cover to cover).

I know all of these albums were recorded between, like 1986 and 1996 (except Odyssey Number Five), but that’s just coincidence, plus the music of my X-Generation was like totally the best.
That said, I’m happy to hear any other suggestions…
As for anyone who wants to diss my selection of "Odyssey Number Five", here's a clip of my fave Powderfinger song, which also happens to be my fave Powderfinger clip, and which also happens to be from "Odyssey Number Five"…

(PS If you want the totally approved version, it's here)

Democracy inaction in action

2008-11-27T17:41:00.006+11:00

A few of my clowny mates have decided to run in the Council elections sweeping Melbourne this weekend, so I thought it was time to give them a plug.
Disclaimer: I can neither confirm nor deny the rumour that the one with the highest number of primary votes will win the noble prize of a slab.
First I'll plug Garpy, running in Maribyrnong, because he has the very easy platform to sell of: "A vote for Garth is a vote for fun!" And that's it!
Check it out here.
The fact that he's done a preference deal with the former mayor seems to have got a few Maribyrnong noses out of joint: "Preference deal a joke". Surprisingly, on finding out Garth's position on fun, the former mayor was reportedly embarassed.
Speaking of embarassed, the other plug is for Joey Jo Jo, running in Richmond, and who seems to be taking it a little more seriously than is healthy. Without such a punchy campaign slogan, he hasn't been getting as much press as Garp, though he sent us this appearance in the Melbourne Times, when he actually turned up to a debate (possibly about mancans, I'm not sure about the specifics):

I might be helping hand out some how-to-vote cards for him Saturday, if I can't otherwise get out of it...
As suggested by a friend of the Rant, Mr Wendt, I will explain Joey's policies as "A vote for Joey is a vote for not Garth".
So there we go. I nominate Garth as the Barack Obama of these elections, and Joey as the John McCain. Just because Joey is taking things as seriously as a hundred-year old man.
Get out, or stay at home, and vote, or don't.
PS I should point out there is no ranting in this post, so this could well be my first anti-rant...

Facebook, Shmacebook

2008-11-14T16:36:00.003+11:00

Never really been a fan of Facebook - seems to demand an incredible amount of time just to receive imaginary drinks and get bitten by imaginary zombies, and I've got better things to do with that time.

Such as drink real drinks and get bitten by real zombies. Not to mention updating my blog - whew, now that's time-wasting!

A friend recently sent me this video, which highlights some of the other dangers that Facebook presents.

(I should perhaps mention he sent it to me on Facebook...)

Anyhoo, I'm currently working on getting my blog onto my Facebook page.
That would be sweet.

I don't want to say "I told ya so". But I just can't help myself.

2008-11-13T17:22:00.010+11:00

A quick mini-rant: a while ago, I suggested that the State Labor Governments around Australia could be in trouble, especially that of my home state of Victoria.
Well, it looks like others are now adding to the chorus: Brumby and his crew face testing times.
Plus the NSW Labor Government is looking even more dodgy than usual, and their latest mini-budget is, with all due respect, an absolute shocker. As Ross Gittins recently said in the Sydney Morning Herald:

"THIS mini-budget is a sham. It purports to be about responding to the severe downturn in the NSW economy, but will in fact make things worse."

Assuming they all go down in the next set of elections, well, let's just say it couldn't happen to nicer clowns...

Ye of little to no faith

2008-11-12T15:07:00.003+11:00

Went to an Atheist Society meeting last night.
I'd never been to one before, but it sounds fun, right? As the guest speaker, Catherine Deveny of The Age, said (and I paraphrase), since atheists have, like, no morals, an Atheist Society meeting should be Debauchery Central.
Alas, it was a sedate affair, and I actually went on my lonesome because I am a lonely heathen. Catherine was speaking about her "Conversion to Atheism" though she remarked that it wasn't so much of a conversion as a very gradual process - an evolution, if you will - with an eventual realisation that she was simply an atheist. She's a very good speaker by the by, and though I disagree with some of her columns, I can't fault her convictions.
One of the questions asked of her, in response to her stated reliance on rational thought, was "What about faith, then?", which prompted the query "Can someone please explain to me what "faith" is?" to much laughter.
Having thought about it, though, here's my definition: "Faith" is the stubborn willingness to believe in nonsense despite all evidence (especially new and emerging evidence) to the contrary.
Whaddaya think? Dictionary material?
Also, speaking of complete lunacy, some more religious nuts have come out of the woodwork lately, claiming they don't have to obey Australia's laws: Defiant cult 'above the law'. I don't know what they base this on, but to throw a bit of scripture* their way, they should check out Luke 20:25:

"21 And they asked him, saying, Master, we know that thou sayest and teachest rightly, neither acceptest thou the person of any, but teachest the way of God truly: 22 Is it lawful for us to give tribute unto Caesar, or no? 23 But he perceived their craftiness, and said unto them, Why tempt ye me? 24 Shew me a penny. Whose image and superscription hath it? They answered and said, Caesar's. 25 And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's."

That's right, Jesus says "Pay your bloody taxes!"

* For those who don't know, "scripture" is a reference to the collected writings of other, and older, unsophisticated religious nuts, generally of Middle Eastern extraction, mostly written to justify their beliefs and their place in society, often for political purposes. The Onion did it best: Mistranslated Myths Of Nomadic Desert Shepherd Tribe Taken At Face Value

Wrong slide of the tracks

2008-11-09T20:37:00.012+11:00

Had another bike accident Friday - ho hum - this time I slid out on some wet tram tracks on St Kilda Road. Not a great idea when it's raining at 5:30pm on a Friday evening, especially in light of what happened to that poor girl in the city a couple of months ago, but luckily there were no cars...or trams...in my immediate vicinity when I crashed into and then slid across the bitumen.

Hurt, though. And the fact that I was only 500 metres from work, and had a long ride home ahead of me, didn't help matters. Check out the colourful after-effects in this risque shot of my leg:

Anyhoo, it got me thinking about the similarities between me and Tour de France legend Cadel Evans - no surprises there, really.

Not that I've been the Tour runner-up two years in a row (yet), but the similarities with the grazes on our arzes. He had a crash early in the 2008 Tour, and though he recovered well, he commented that it affected his performance throughout the race and possibly cost him the Tour. Lying on my couch every night throughout the Tour, I struggled to empathise with him, but this has now changed after my relatively minor crash on Friday. It actually hurts! Who would thunk it?!?

Good on Cadel for keeping second place, I say (again, but This Time With Feeling).

Speaking of cycling, when I was watching the 2008 Vuelta highlights on SBS, I really liked the Spanish song used for the intro, but there was no indication what it was or who sung it. Rising to the challenge and using my very limited Spanish and a search engine by the name of Google (I'm a maverick), I tracked it down. For those who are interested - it's Pretendo Hablarte by Beatriz Luengo (note that this is a (good) weird clip, and the song doesn't actually start until around 2:10 in):

Veeerry nice.

PS I'll admit the version of the song above is a little choppy, so you can see the official version here, too (couldn't embed it here, but...)

Now, back to the wa(r)ll

2008-11-06T16:40:00.005+11:00

Had a little too much alkeehol last night, celebrating The Win. It was a glorious thing to watch. But now reality must once again stick its rude nose into our lives.

I've finished travelling around the country for work, at least for now, so it's good to be back home and rant a little. One thing which almost got by me was Paul Keating's comments regarding Gallipoli, which led to an outpouring of criticism of our beloved ex-PM (although I'll admit that I didn't truly belove him until he was an "ex"...). One of his most vociferous critics was not yet ex-PM Kevin Rudd, who also admitted that he didn't know exactly what Keating had said, but nevertheless disagreed with the gist of what he meant, no doubt.

While I understand what Keating was getting at - which I think was basically a rejection of the idea that Australia needed something like a Gallipoli to find its own identity - I still think visiting Gallipoli can be a profoundly moving experience.

Not to mention cheap.

I was fortunate enough to hit Gallipoli on Anzac Day in 2002, and waiting with thousands of Aussies and Kiwis in the cold pre-dawn during April on a Turkish beach, with the cliffs rising above and behind us, really drove home how forbidding and scary the whole situation must have been for our boys. And that was without being shot at which, I imagine, could only worsen the situation.

Yes, it's true that Winston Churchill, responsible for the Gallipoli plan, bollocksed it up and wasted many Australian lives in a conflict that had more to with Imperial ambitions than defence of Australian (or even British) lives, but that doesn't mean that visiting Gallipoli is a wasted exercise. Should we only visit war sites where the Australians won? Or perhaps sites where we achieved something like peace?

BORING!

Gallipoli is an excellent movie with a pre-anti-semitic Mel Gibson, and we should be proud of our links to it.

Plus, Turkey is a really cheap country to visit.

PS The title of this post is an homage to Moe Szyslak's famous line from "Krusty Gets Kancelled", as if you didn't already know.

I rant. You (if you're American) decide!

2008-11-05T09:12:00.004+11:00

It's ironic that, whilst the US has so much influence over the rest of the world (and is likely to continue to do so for at least another year or so), that same rest of the world has no say over the US's leadership, YET the American people themselves can be fairly apathetic about voting, with voter turnout under 50% not being uncommon, and even those who do vote seem to know less about the issues than we foreigners do. As merely one example, and as George Monbiot pointed out on the weekend, two-thirds of young Americans can't find Iraq on a map, one adult in five believes the Sun revolves around the Earth, and only 26% accept that evolution takes place by natural selection. Exclamation point, exclamation point.

Nonetheless! Today's the day (at least, in Australia, being on the other side of the International Date Line) that America will finally decide on it's future. Change, or more of the same. Actually, as Nobel Prize winning economist and writer for the New York Times, Paul Krugman, wrote a little while ago:

"(N)ow the team that hopes to form the next administration is running a campaign that makes Bush-Cheney 2000 look like something out of a civics class. What does that say about how that team would run the country?

What it says, I’d argue, is that the Obama campaign is wrong to suggest that a McCain-Palin administration would just be a continuation of Bush-Cheney.

If the way John McCain and Sarah Palin are campaigning is any indication, it would be much, much worse. "

Yes, McCain used to be OK, and it's a real shame that he wasn't chosen over Dubya in 2000, but it's now 8 years later...and he's a clown.

It's now Obama O'Clock.

Barack, I kindly ask that you Bring It.

Do us proud, our Septic cousins!

Paid to Pray

2008-10-29T13:38:00.004+11:00

In Newcastle on Monday (still travelling for work), I was reading their local rag - the Newcastle Herald - and was surprised to discover that our politicians start every Parliamentary session with "The Lord's Prayer" ("Heaven forbid pulping the prayer" - this story has also appeared in other rags, too).

It's not like they're wasting enough of our money, they also need to take time every day, time that we're paying for, to mouth platitudes to their Imaginary Friend as well?

"Oh Christian God, apart from all that bad stuff you're responsible for, you're so great!! PLEASE, PLEASE make my life better, it kind of sucks. Amen" (I've paraphrased it somewhat - there's a better analysis of the prayer, and Malcolm Turnbull's justification for keeping it, here).

Anyhoo, Bob Brown wants to replace it with a moment of quiet reflection. Seems perfectly reasonable, particularly in our multi-denominational country, with a supposedly secular Government.

I'll pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, see if he can't sort this out.

Or maybe the Boognish.

I know you are, but what am I?

2008-10-24T21:37:00.005+11:00

I feel I must take issue with my man, Josh K.

In the last episode of Boxcutters, he stated that, these days, Saturday Night Live is not funny.

I beg to differ.

And my argument shall take the form of a series of video clips, collected from a series of tubes.

Check it (Yank ads and all, from the official site, no less).

For the next one, watch this clip from The OC first (unless you've seen the end of the second season already) - you can skip and watch from around 1:30 if you're short of time, you busy bee.

Then this bit o' gold, parodying the above:

I rest my case (assuming you could you view them - if you couldn't see the last one, try googling "Dear Sister" and SNL...)

And I didn't even have to resort to the Feylin stuff...

PS I know SNL isn't always the funniest thing on TV, but Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph and Kenan Thompson, to name a few, are the mutha 'uckin' bomb, yo.

PPS If you think this post is just an excuse to post my favourite SNL moments, well that's just, like, your opinion, man.

PPPS You make a good point - I might need to look at less transparent ways of writing about stuff I like, rather than just ranting about stuff I don't. Maybe it's time I invented the anti-rant?

And justice for the rich, white sportsmen

2008-10-16T15:01:00.000+11:00

So, it looks like Wayne Carey is allowed to assault police officers with impunity.

Sorry, I should mention he did get punished – it cost him a $500 donation…

I'm assuming that if he was poor black man who assaulted two of Miami's finest, he also would have got away with no conviction? Or would he have received the 15 year maximum jail term that was on the table?

Hmmm...

(I use both types of argument in this piece: sarcastic AND rhetorical...)

The Fat shall inherit my seat

2008-10-15T21:49:00.001+11:00

So, still travelling for work, and I’m actually currently ranting from sunny Brisbane, where the Australia v Qatar game is underway as I write. I went on a pub crawl by myself – purely to test out Brisbane’s various English and Irish themed pubs and their beers, not to invite accusations of alcoholism – and got to hang out with a hundred drunk Australians all wearing, saying and drinking the same things at the Pig & Whistle on the Brisbane River. Brings a sarcastic tear of nationalistic pride to my eye…

Anyhoo, flew back to Melbourne from Sydney two nights ago, and managed to get on to an earlier flight and still get an exit-row seat, about which I was very chuffed (clumsy, but I think that’s grammatically correct. Should I have said "chuffed, was I"? Or that it chuffed me? That my chuff levels were increased? WHAT THE HELL IS “CHUFF”?!?!)

But then, as I approached my seat, my chuff levels noticeably decreased. Sitting in the chair next to mine, and overflowing a little into it, was one of those obese people one hears so much about.
I’d got the leg room I’d been so concerned about, but had clearly needed to sacrifice some arm and other-body-parts room in the process.

In inverse proportion to my reduction in chuff, I felt an increase in irrational anger. How dare this guy that I don’t know and who might be quite nice but who has obviously eaten one (hundred) too many hamburgers impinge on my personal comfort for an hour-and-a-half or so? And I don’t want to hear about hormones and gland problems meaning some people can’t help it if they’re Fat. That just means they need to go for a walk and eat less cheese than the rest of us. AND pay for two seats, or sit in Business Class, when they catch a plane. What’s that you say? It’s unfair that due to a health issue they need to expend more money than other persons not subjected to said health issue? Well, I’m short-sighted, and I need to pay for glasses and/or contact lenses (especially replacements when I have also paid for alcohol and a ticket to a TISM concert). Boo-hoo! I pay it, complain a little, and move on! Why are Fat people so special?!? Why do they get special politically-correct terms like “Biggest Loser” when we visually-impaired people have to play the cards we were dealt? Just because there’s more of them than us?!?!?

So I sat next to this Brontosaurus a little peeved.

And then he made it worse.

He asked for his specially-ordered salad when the food cart came around and, when told that due to his change in planes there was no salad, no salad today, he simply asked for an orange juice.

Oh right! Way to make me feel bad for my prejudicial and judgmental view of you!! Like, it’s my fault, and the fault of slim people and magazine editors everywhere, that Fat people get such a raw deal in our society, and you’re really trying to improve yourself.

The nerve.

To add insult to inability-to-use-the-arm-rest injury, he struck up a conversation with the air steward and seemed like a really nice guy.

So I’m the cock, now?

Got home all right, though. Drank about 10 HighTail Ales and ate some corn chips.

Slim King.

Follow the Follower

2008-10-12T21:53:00.000+11:00

I’ve just discovered that someone is Following (note the capital "F" - very important) my blog – Hi Fenz!

This changes everything – before I was ranting into the void on the assumption that no-one was reading (despite the fact I was putting these rants out on the most public void, or series of voids, available). Not even me.

But now that I know at least one person is reading, I’d better write for an audience.

So, uh, like, what’s with all that stuff going on?!?

Hmmm, haven’t exactly improved, yet. Must work on that.

For now, Fenz has inspired me to make my Following of some blogs out there equally public. I realise I’ve got my Blog List o’ One, but I think it’s time I recognised:

Fenz' we drift deeper, into the sound, thus winning the First Following Prize

Politically Homeless, ‘cause he can tell it, yo (especially in this piece, which just happened to encourage me to open a Blogger account and started me on my Road to Ranting…)

The Sirmarco Letters (and other distractions), 'cause Mr Sirmarco seems to like ALL the cool stuff. Especially Ween.

Little Running Bear , because it's easy to Follow, since my man J doesn't post anything ever

Plus I'll look at adding more...

I'm gonna add some gadgets on the sidebar, too, so if you want to Follow This Blog, Get On It!!

CAPITAL LETTERS RULE OK!!!

PS This is not a blog, but in my searches of the internets, I found this guy’s Weenish/Piratey comment: “I spend a lot of time thinking about: Boognish or Flying Spaghetti Monster... where should my loyalties be.” Good question, "this guy", good question.

PPS Mr Sirmarco seems to have copied my idea for a blog before I even thought of it. Plus, not only did he do it years earlier, but it seems he's also done it better. Nice work, Sir Sirmarco.

It's Rant O'Clock

Yellin' For Cadellin'!!!

This Decade's Comedy

Last decade's comedy

Oh, when the Saints (Schoolgirl)...does anything...

Gleesht

MON THE BIFFIN' BIFF!!!

Allow me to discrimonstrate

I'd rather be watching TV

All Liars are Liars

Better than The Phantom Menace

Battlefield Essendon

Trail blazing trial grazing

Things I've learned in the past week or so...

All the way with Turn-BJ!!!

The Decline and Fall of the State Labor Government's Empire

How to watch TV without watching TV

Rally to Restore Virginiaty

Give Fear a Chance

JET f**ked!

I called it! (the sequel)

It's all Saints to Me, The Sequel

And another thing...

Oh when the Saints, get ****** in the ****

Ebony and Irony

Faceblocked

It's All Saints to me!

I didn't do it!

Back to the Future's Past...Today!

Bah, humbug

Theocrazy

"I like the boy"

We will never forget Pixie-Ann, you clown

It was the best of times...

Pick on someone your own spellingz

How about I suspend YOUR sentence?

A Massive Dickhead Part II

Happy are the unemployed

What a Raph-elation!

Hell hath no fury like the Catholic Church

Reduce, reuse, burn sh*t

Twi-lite

If this particular Friend is in need, stay the hell away

Discriminating discriminators

"A Massive Dickhead"

Manchester Awe-chestra

An unhealthy stuperstition

Scenic Highway Robbery

Tour de Gallipoli (et de Farce)

I'm a Rock Star! AKA So let's all get in a (Rock) Fight

The Dude Abides

Le Super-Tired

Oh, when the Saints Go Over There!

Because I said so

Who's Chasing the Chasers?

Madden-ing

Stating the obvious

The Twits

The (Broken) Promised Land

And another thing...

Happy Eostre!

World's most liveable city(s)

Back on the rant-wagon

Land of the free to bear arms and kill your own family!

Here comes the sun

Bye-bye, Bush

A week in the life...

Let's believe in nonsense so we can all be offended!

Meredith Mud Festival

The Wong Plan

Television - the drug of my children

Riley: 1, Governor-General: Nil

Robert Mugabe: Shark Jumper

A Rose by any other name...would still be bit of a tool...

Democracy inaction in action

Facebook, Shmacebook

I don't want to say "I told ya so". But I just can't help myself.

Ye of little to no faith

Wrong slide of the tracks

Now, back to the wa(r)ll

Oh when the Saints, get ** in the