Friday, August 29, 2008

The cycle of life (and death)

No mucking about: I was hit by a car last night. A gen-u-ine car accident took place, in which I, a cyclist, was the victim.

Thanks to the fact that I ride as if everyone out there is trying to kill me, added to some moments of extraordinary skill, I was able to swerve enough (and kick my foot out at the woman's car at the right moment) that I ended up running up against the side of the car, and didn't come off the bike. To be honest, the fact that the woman also saw me at the last minute as she entered the roundabout to my left (I was well and truly on the roundabout - she just hadn't seen me despite my lights and reflective (and attractive) attire) and also swerved and slammed on her brakes, probably accounts more for my survival than my quick-witted attempt to bat aside her car with my shoe.

The result was obviously pretty good, in the scheme of things. I was a little shaken, but unharmed, and the bike seemed OK. She was profusely apologetic, and even pulled the car around the corner and got out, so she could make sure I was all right and offer her phone number in case I needed repairs made to the bike (or perhaps she was offering it for something else, hmmmm? Something a little more illicit than bike repair? Did I mention how attractive my reflective jacket is?)

But I told her not to worry about monetary recompense. I only wanted her to make one sacrifice - her first-born child! No, I kid, I'm not that mental (really, who would be THAT mental and insecure to ask someone to sacrifice their first-born child? Really? In the Old Testament? Well, I never!)

I just asked that she take a little more care when driving, and to look out for cyclists, because we're pretty vulnerable out there with all that really fast, heavy metal (Megadeth!!!! WOOO!!!) zooming around us, most of the drivers indifferent to the max (ironically) about me and my cycling brethren.

Which gets me to my rant: Cyclists.

Some cyclists really piss me off. But not like they piss off car drivers (of which I am one, as no doubt many cyclists are). No, I get pissed off by other cyclists as a fellow cyclist.

The cyclists that piss me off are the ones that have no respect for road rules or other road users. They think that because they are not driving a car, they can do what they like on the road. They run red lights, they cut people off without adequate signalling, they play music really loud when riding down Chapel Street. This kind of conduct REALLY annoys car drivers, mainly because the cyclists are doing what they would do if only they didn't have number plates. Consequently, car drivers who witness such behaviour think that ALL cyclists are like that, and then somehow come to the conclusion that, if they see a cyclist run a red light, then no cyclist has respect for road rules, so it's OK to drive as if all cyclists have a target on their back (or on their front if you're opening a car door into a cyclist coming from behind).

Which gets back to me (finally!): because of these moronic cyclists out there whose behaviour on the roads encourages moronicity (my word - copyright: Riley Jones) in car drivers equalling or even exceeding that of the cyclists, I get car drivers treating me with indifference or even outright hostility when I'm out on the road.

So I blame the cyclists.

And the car drivers.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

God is great?

So make your children beat themselves until they bleed.

A word of advice: don't blame your imaginary friend for you being a moron.

(As an aside, the Flying Spaghetti Monster only wants us to dress like pirates).

Monday, August 25, 2008

Government by the people, for the investors

Public transport in my fair city is a mess. So a recent report of an Eminent Dude saying that the rail operator, Connex, “should be sacked and management of Melbourne's suburban trains brought back into public hands” was music to my ears.


Hear, hear, Eminent Dude!


Unfortunately, there’s little likelihood that our so-called Government will act on this very sage advice.


Why? I think it’s because Governments generally have realised that, if they outsource problem areas to the private sector (no doubt for a premium), they can set up a buffer between themselves and the public.


Take…I don’t know…public transport, for example.


Public transport was privatised in Melbourne a while ago, ostensibly to increase competition and, thereby, increase efficiency and decrease cost (of course, this reasoning effectively went the way of the dodo long ago – there is now one train provider (Connex) and one tram provider (Yarra Trams)). Unless you live opposite a train station and a tram stop, I doubt there’s much competition going on. Plus you should probably move.


Anyway, despite the fact the original benefits put forward in favour of privatisation seem to have evaporated, privatised public transport remains.


But here’s the thing: when people complain about the operation of public transport these days, they complain to, or about, the private operators.


The Government can even join in!


It has effectively sidestepped a potentially damaging electoral issue.


Prisons are another one. What the hell is a Government doing outsourcing the process of the punishment of crime to the private sector?!? And then I remembered some of the scandals which can occur with jails, including prison escapes (sorry: Prison Breaks), corruption, mistreatment of prisoners, or even the opposite: prisoners getting it too good.


Again, the Government can blame the private operator if any of these things happen, but it’s ‘not their fault’. There’s no votes in prisons, so get rid of them.


What I’m saying is: our Government has no balls.


PS Prisoners get it too good.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Mega Rant

All right. I’ve had a bunch of rants building up inside me, and if I don’t let them loose on the unsuspecting world, it could get messy. Bits of rant everywhere.

So, here’s a quick run-through of things that have stuck in my craw in varying degrees recently.

1. Won't somebody think of the children?!?!?

Recently, here in the Wonderful Land of Oz, a lesbian couple tried to sue their doctor after their IVF treatment resulted in twins, not the one child like God intended that lesbians should have when using science to conceive. Of course, they ‘love’ their children equally, they just think the doctor should pay $398,000 for raising them – it’s such an inconvenience, you know?

Unfortunately, they lost. I mean, if they can’t successfully sue their IVF doctor, who are the rest of us gonna sue? Who’s going to pay for raising our children?

It’s just got to be like totally someone else’s fault.

Oh yeah, and this just in from the future: ‘Kids overjoyed to discover lesbian parents ‘cherished’ them whilst suing IVF doctor’.

Because we all know that, one day, they will find out.

Whilst on the topic of unworthy parents, here’s a little snippet from Lawrence Money (the guy I kinda bagged a few posts ago about his views on the Jesus T-shirt kid): Apply here for kids

This one talks to me on many levels:

“You want to breed? Then fill out a form, have a psychological screening, show you at least have the basic wherewithal to finance their upbringing, education. Are you mentally and emotionally fit for one of the most demanding tasks on this overpopulated planet? What's your family background like? Have you the slightest hope of giving your offspring the basic essentials of love, time, physical and spiritual nourishment. Or are you just going to let them run around like two-legged strays, accidental bonking by-products who bring in a bit of handy government moolah.”

But he’s right, no politician would or could ever go down this path.

Meddling kids…

2. Lockout, Schmockout

The Victorian Government recently implemented one of their dumb ideas and, due to an increase in violence in Melbourne, tried to enforce a bar lockout in the CBD – basically a policy that you can’t get into a venue after 2am, even if you were in there before. Apart from the flawed policy being successfully challenged by some venues, meaning it doesn’t apply to everyone (so drunken yobs only get locked out of some venues), it looks like the Government also knew it was flawed policy: Brumby warned of lockout risk. Plus, anecdotal evidence suggests it’s likely to lead to more violence, thanks to heaps of drunken yobs getting locked out of places at the same time, and then wandering the streets looking for cabbies to bash. Nice one.

3. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to pay for

A wag of my finger to the Canadian city of London, Ontario, which has halted sales of bottled water at all of its municipal facilities and instead plans to replace them with water fountains: Canadian city bans sales of bottled water. A representative of Coca-Cola, a real victim of this policy since it sells bottled water under the label Dasani, stated: "It's hard to bring your kitchen sink with you" While I have no idea what this means, he went on to say "To us, it's a matter of choice and a matter of personal preference."

That’s right, if you want to pay a stupid amount of money for something that’s free, and which produces 150 times more greenhouse gases to distribute than tap water, you shouldn’t have that choice taken away from you in municipal facilities, whether or not you have brought your kitchen sink with you.

4. Let he who has not judged get down to some serious judging

Just read an article by a travel writer, giving advice on the ‘types’ of people you might run into whilst indulging in a bit of group travel: On tour, hell is other people

She sounds like such fun, I’m just itching to book some kind of group tour just in case she’s going, too (she seems to do them a lot, so my chances are good)!! Her ability to categorise people and put them down with witty rejoinders like “To counter this time-sensitive soul, simply ask if he is in a hurry” (guffaw) will add so much to my experience! With luck, she might even categorise ME! Plus, I want to hang with her and play Twister.

Nah but seriously you’re all right.

5. Un-rant

And just so I don’t look like a total knob, here are some people I recently discovered I like:

  • Leslie Cannold, with a very reasoned article about men and their propensity to get all uppity about abortion
  • Joe Biden, potential vice presidential running mate with my man Barack. Biden’s almost a Jedi name, I can go with that…
  • Julia Nunes, whom I just discovered on the YouTube. Her ukulele cover of Weezer’s Keep Fishin’ is the biz-ness…*

* I mainly put this on my ranty blog because then I don’t have to remember these links. Yeah, blogs have got it goin’ on for forgetful MoFos like my good self.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Spaghetti with meatballs helps my noodly appendage

I recently received an e-mail entitled “God’s Pharmacy”. This e-mail went on to explain that fruits and vegetables have effectively been designed to look like certain human body parts, thusly:

A friend sent this to me.

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the res earch shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents c e rvical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

I’ll just pick out one of these: Bones are 23% sodium and Celery is 23% sodium.

Really? So if I eat 100 grams of celery, I’m taking in 23 grams of salt?!?! Doesn’t exactly sound like a super-food to me.

Also, if my bones are 23% salt, aren’t they going to dissolve in the 70% water I’m made out of? Is that what actually happened to the Wicked Witch of the West - Dorothy's bucket of water was the last saline straw?

Fact is, a quick search of the internet shows that there are approximately 100 milligrams of sodium in 100 grams of celery – check it out at the National Public Health Institute of Finland, where I get all my nutrition information. So, fortunately, they’re not as chock-full of salt as God obviously intended.

And apparently the sodium content of bones (or, to get all poindexter on yo’ ass, the Na plus K composition, which, using my Year 9 chemistry knowledge, I think is sodium plus potassium) is 2.5%. Still high, really, but apparently it doesn’t dissolve, not even when boiled in alcohol

Whew – what a relief!

But I obviously shouldn’t be such a spoil-sport, so let’s keep it going!

First, rather than cut the carrot, let’s be honest, leave it uncut, and say a carrot looks like an orange pointy dong. So eating carrots helps make your dong orangier and pointier.

And donuts are round, just like…the top of your head!! So eating donuts is good for your scalp.

Ummm…unshelled peanuts look a bit like Marilyn Monroe, without the head, arms or legs! You know you want some of that!!!

And don’t even get me started on why cows love grass so much!

Is there nothing that Intelligent Design doesn’t have an answer for?

The Designer, of course, being the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

PS Whilst on the subject of religion, check out what a force for good it can be: Boy starved for not saying 'amen'. Yeah, yeah, I know, those guys are looneys, REAL religion isn’t capable of such horrors.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Alas, poor Marieke. I (thought I) knew her, Horatio...

Really? "Horatio"?

Anyway, the above heading is simply a reference to a recent article written by my formerly favourite blogger – Marieke Hardy, AKA Ms Fits of the now-defunct Reasons You Will Hate Me – and still quite talented woman about town: Alas, poor Brother, I knew you well. In said article, she laments the loss of, ahem, Big Brother, and provides shocking details of her efforts in relation to avidly viewing said blight on the television landscape.

(Pauses...then summons on reserves of strength to continue)

But, really, this was no revelation, and the details weren't that shocking – she had already admitted to her heinous crime (“'Big Brother', my secret shame”) and, at the end of the day, doesn’t really try to hide her penchant for all things trash (which is part of her charm).

And then, just yesterday, she pulled me back with this charming broadside aimed at Ben Lee: “Mothers of trash reality” (I can’t do it justice, you’ve got to read the article to get the context). I realise this comment wasn’t the raison d’etre behind the article – it was mere obiter dicta, if you will – but that’s what I got out of it…

Ah, Marieke. You’re a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.

Keep up the good work.

BOY, it’s COTT in here!!!!

The Olympics start tonight, in hot and humid Beijing. A quick reminder: Don’t forget to boycott it, not just because of the Tibet thing, but also the fact that it’s boring thing.

Yeah - hit 'em where it really hurts: Channel 7's ratings!! Woo-hoo!!

Also, in support of Tibet, don’t forget to watch Cadel Evans in the cycling on, I think, Saturday.

Yeah! Keep punching!!! Woo-HOO!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The King o’ Rant (in E-Minor)

In my last post, I made reference to Bill Hicks, comedian par excellence, which reminded me of a show I saw in this year's Comedy Festival – Bill Hicks: Slight Return – effectively a Bill Hicks tribute show. With that kind of a synopsis, it had the potential to be truly awful, but it was actually really good.

In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I thought about writing a review, but I then remembered that this is a blog!! As I'm sure you're all aware, with a blog, you don’t have to write any opinions of your own – you can just find someone else who’s already written something you’ve agreed with, and then copy it or link to it.

In that vein – here’s a review of Bill Hicks: Slight Return, all of which I agree with (except for the other show also reviewed, which I didn’t actually see. Ah, to hell with it – I’ll agree with that, too): http://www.benambra.org/benambra/node/892

Easiest review I’ve ever not written.

The Green Stuff(ed)

Everyone knows that the world is stuffed, thanks mainly to the Baby Boomers. Curse them…and their progeny!!

It's tough to work out a solution to the myriad probems facing our planet, even for the experts. Some bright sparks recently thought they could kill two Big Bad Birds with one green stone by producing petrol substitutes with biofuels – thereby solving the world's energy crisis AND global warming. Hurrah!

Only problem is, the use of arable land to produce crops for biofuels has created a global food crisis, and apparently produces more carbon dioxide than it saves. Hurr…ahhh...

If only there was a crop that could create biofuel, but which doesn't take up land and resources that could be used to grow food, and which wouldn't create more greenhouse gases.

Wait a minute! I seem to remember a plant from my University days that fits the bill. What was it? Femp? Dr. Shemp? Bringoutthegemp?

That's right!!! Everyone's favourite weed: Hemp!

In those aforementioned Uni days, I helped organise a 'Hemp Week', dedicated to education about this miracle plant. I don't smoke myself, and there was very little in the Week about the recreational benefits of Hemp (although it was co-organised with the Mullers and Packers...), but it was back then, over ten years ago, that I first learnt that hemp could be used to make fuel.

However, an advantage that hemp has over, say, corn is that hemp is literally a weed. This means there is no need to carefully cultivate a crop, nor to allocate good land, or spend lots of time, money, and effort, for it.

Apparently this hemp – industrial hemp – doesn’t have much, if any, of the active component – THC – that gives marijuana smokers their high. But even if it did, wouldn’t growing lots of a weed that can save the planet beat growing lots of, for example, opium (yes, I’m looking at you, entire country of Afghanistan) or, say, everyone dying from climate change, even if it does lead to lots of Cheech and Chong jokes?

Hemp and marijuana get a bad rap these days, but time was that everyone was into growing it.

I’m going from memory here (of course, that’s what blogging is all about – facts aren’t as important as passion (and links)), but I’m fairly certain that George Washington grew hemp, and I think it was, like, compulsory during one or both of the world wars – see, for example, “Hemp for Victory”. The sails and ropes of sailing ships like those in the First Fleet were often made from hemp. It really was a Wonder Plant TM. Also, getting back to fuel, Henry Ford apparently intended for his new-fangled car contraption to be powered by a hemp-based fuel. Quoting from the article that sparked this rant:

“Stage one of the story dates back to the dawn of modern transport and the invention of the internal combustion engine. When Rudolf Diesel invented the engine that bears his name, he designed it to run on peanut oil. When Henry Ford designed the first mass-produced car, the Model T, he intended it to run on ethanol derived from two of America's most abundant crops, corn (maize) and hemp.”

But the conspiracy theory is that the DuPont corporation patented a process for making nylon out of petroleum products in the 1930’s, and successfully lobbied to have marijuana, and then, by association, hemp, made illegal, due to the competition the naturally growing and easily available Wonder Plant TM provided to Du Pont’s synthetic products. And a reasonable conspiracy theory it is, I think, too.

While on the point of the illegality of hemp et al, I can’t help but refer to Bill Hicks’ magnificent tirade about this issue, and his observation that “Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?”

Yes, Bill, it does. RIP, brother.

So, whaddaya say? How-about-it?!?! Ready to be a smelly hippy and jump on the “Let’s all grow hemp and save the world” bandwagon?

If you are, here’s a flyer: http://www.hemp4fuel.com/hemp4fuel.pdf

Changing the world, one rant/flyer at a time.