Wash your fucking hands!!!!

Yes, it is past beer o'clock (though always Rant O'Clock) - hence the excitingly pacy nature of the heading of today's instalment.
But I just read this article - Hep A outbreak linked to cafe - and, in particular, the last line: "Hepatitis A is found in faeces of the infected person and can be spread by direct contact with food, beverages or crockery."
Jesus Christ!
Just wash your fucking hands. It's not hard, people.
You filthy, filthy people*.
* Obviously, I'm not referring to the people who read this blog, who are fastidious in their cleanliness. Some would say psychotically so. And they take it as a compliment.

Guilty! I mean...Not Guilty!

A quick mini-rant about the death penalty, inspired by this recent article in The Age: Ross cleared of murder nearly 90 years ago.
Seems there was once a guy who was charged of committing a (pretty horrible) crime, the prosecution used some trumped up evidence in his trial, and he was sentenced to death...and then hanged for it.
Turns out - he was clearly innocent.
The Victorian Government has now taken the brave step of posthumously pardoning him, which removes the stain from his character, but, obviously, not the noose from his neck.
However unlikely such a turn of events may be these days (pause for sarcastic effect), this case highlights how final, but also how flawed, the death penalty can be.
Problem is, how do we know that the persons responsible for enforcing the law (e.g., the police, the prosecutor's office, even the judiciary) are doing their job correctly? Or even competently?
We don't.
I agree that the people who commit some crimes may be deserving of death. But in light of the fact that the community is rarely likely to be 100% certain of the guilt, or extent of the guilt, of any one person (quite apart from the fact that a Government should probably not be responsible for killing its own citizens), we should keep the death penalty off the table.
Anyway - that's what lynch mobs and vigilante justice are for.

The force is strong with this one…

Does anyone else think that "Barack Obama" could be a kick-arse Jedi name? If you disagree, add “Kenobi” to the end of it…
If this nomination process goes all the way to the Democratic Convention, Hilary and Barack should sort it out with a lightsaber duel (Hilary would have to be banned from zapping Barack with her electricity fingers).

Obama-rama

To quote Professor Farnsworth (at least in part): "Good news, everybody! Hilary Clinton has received some very bad news!"
Yes, last week, John Edwards, the working-people's millionaire, officially endorsed Barack Obama in the Democratic primary race. I was somewhat impressed by Edwards when he was campaigning for someone else to win the nomination (a certain John Edwards), even though the rest of the US appeared not to be.
An Edwards presidency was not to be, but his hold-out and eventual endorsement now raises the tantalising possibility of...an Obama/Edwards ticket - now that would be exciting (in the same way that, I don't know, combining red and white wine in the same glass is exciting)!
It's expected that the democratic nomination will be all but wrapped up by tomorrow, so when you read this blog, Mr Obama, consider this advice: like Clinton, Edwards is white and also aspires to to have an affinity with the working class, but he's got something that Clinton doesn't have: a penis!(1)
And if there's something American voters like, it's penises.
John Edwards could be that penis.
As for Mr and Mrs Clinton (I'm not really sure which is which any more), they put up a good (and dirty) fight, and Hilary would have been an equally historic president, but they should really now just accept defeat graciously, and instead focus their energies on the next stage of their dynastic succession: Chelsea!
By the time she's ready to assume the position, it's possible that America's penis-fixation may have waned enough that they will be prepared to vote for her vajayjay...
We can dare to dream.

(1) Note: Clinton may have a penis.

We the (male) people

Just after I change the name of my blog, a surprising twist of anti-rantiness in this post: Congratulations to America (a "Tip of the Hat", if you will)!
I've been keeping a close eye on the Democratic primaries (thanks very much to my friends Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert) and it looks like, although all of the black people have obviously been voting for Obama and all of the women have been voting for Hillary, in the primaries held in Indiana last week, WHITE MEN have finally shown that they might still have some influence in a presidential election.
God Bless/Damn America.
Whilst anti-ranting, congrats also to Cadel Evans, Australia's favourite cyclist (and anyone who's driven in Melburne knows how much we love cyclists), who recently wore a "Free Tibet" T-shirt during the Liege-Bastogne-Liege one-day classic.
If he receives any discrimination over this, I will have only one response: BOYCOTT! That's right: I won't watch the Olympics telecast on television.
They will rue the day.
PS I believe China's human rights record is also an acceptabvle reason for boycotting.
PPS Go Cadel, Tour de France '08. I WILL watch that.
PPPS I should point out that Jon and Stephen are my TV friends, not real friends.

The 'Clever' Country

All right.
I realise I haven't written anything in a while, but, in my defence, I do have more interesting things to do than sitting in front of my computer encouraging my delusions of relevance.

At least, I have until now.
SO, my rants have been building up.
One of them is: I think I should change the name of the blog, to reflect its rantatious nature. And how do I do that? Well, I guess I'll just have to read some 'Help' section. Way to get me back into the blogosphere, BloGod!
All right. I shouldn't blame The BloGod for my need to read.
But I do have other pent-up rants.
My most recent: Lost. Specifically, the 'Lost' TV show, and the fact that Australians are TOO DUMB to get it! Yes, I mean YOU, Australians who number among everyone else who don't read this blog!
Even more specifically, I'm referring to the fact that Channel 7 has moved Lost to 10:30pm on Thursday nights, from its previous 9:30pm slot. No doubt this is due to the slipping 'ratings' because not as many people are 'watching it'.
I have just this minute written this letter to the Green Guide, in light of this troubling development:

Dear Editor
You and your readers may have noticed that Lost moved to 10:30pm last Thursday night, but it now looks like this move may be permanent.
I can only put this down to Channel 7's knee-jerk reaction to Australians being too stupid to understand Lost. Actually, that may seem a little divisive, so I might put it another way: it appears that American viewers are smarter than Australian viewers. Do you and your esteemed readers agree?
For example, some recent reviews of Lost in the Green Guide (though not all) display a total lack of understanding of, and patience with, Lost; one line included ‘Somebody please rescue these people or kill them off, for pity's sake’, and another, from rabble-rouser Catherine Deveny: ‘When I'm absorbing TV I don't want to work’. Anecdotally, it would seem this view is widespread.
The fact is (and yes, I put this forward as self-evident truth), Lost is one of the best television shows OF ALL TIME. I will grant you that questions that are raised throughout the show only seem to be answered by further questions – though I submit that this still constitutes an answer – but this is TV we're talking about. Not everything can be resolved in 45 minutes like in real life. Also, these further questions have actually made the show better – it's much more interesting now than it was in the first season. I mean, like, what's going on with Ben? (I'm serious: what's going on?)
OK. Let me convert, like water into wine, this insulting letter into a message of hope: Give Lost a chance. Sure, it may require some commitment, but can't we retain some of our old-fashioned values? Plus, some people may not be aware that it has a definite end date: May 2010 – nary 2 years from now. The writers, those glorious writers, really are working up to something. And it looks great.
Yours, etc
Riley Jones

That about sums it up. If you want more, it will all be detailed in my forthcoming book “Why all of you are wrong and only I am right”.
Sure to be a bestseller.